Many of us have felt the fear of love and the fear of life; both of which are quite common. However, I’m becoming convinced that the core fear beneath it all is abandonment.
For a start, at TYHO, our counsellors regularly deal with individuals who come from toxic or unhealthy homes.
A 2025 study from NUSS also shows that nearly 74.6% of Singaporeans reported childhood emotional neglect. With neglect, a family grows estranged over time, which may result in the individual developing abandonment issues.
Not feeling chosen by someone you love can feel painful. You may experience emotions like fear, anxiety, and distress.
But as adults, we have the resources and power to redefine our individuality, love, and family to build something we can belong to. Let’s see how we can build that sense of belonging for ourselves.
What Are Abandonment Issues?
Abandonment issues describe a strong fear of being abandoned by a loved one.
At its core, the fear of abandonment threatens our sense of safety in relationships. Here’s an example of how feeling unsafe might show up in your thoughts:
- Will they leave me if I make a mistake?
- What if they become angry that I didn’t cook their favourite meal tonight?
- I feel so unloved; it’s been months since I last hugged my partner.
- Why does my partner look sad? How can I fix it?
When we’re constantly dismissed and emotionally neglected, our nervous system learns to cope by staying on high alert at all times.
Over time, the emotional hypervigilance might not only take a toll on your mental health, but also other areas of life such as physical health, work, friendships, and family relationships.
Abandonment issues may also affect how we view relationships, our self-worth, our ability to set healthy boundaries, and trust.
In a deeply empowering talk, Cordan Haveron talks about how he transformed his life - from being abandoned to becoming a resilient father, mentor and more - through his learnings and by seeking help from a professional therapist.
Related Concepts
- Childhood Abandonment: Childhood abandonment is defined as some type of separation (ie physical, emotional, financial) from a caregiver who fails to provide basic safety and support to the child. Being abandoned as a child may lead to issues such as relationship struggles and anxious avoidant behaviours.
- Abandonment Trauma: Abandonment trauma is defined as a deep emotional and psychological pain that is caused by some type of familial, platonic, or romantic abandonment by a loved one. Abandonment trauma can coexist with conditions such as post-traumatic stress disorder and borderline personality disorder.
If you relate to any of the above and want to explore your issues more deeply, talking to a counsellor might help.
Signs of Abandonment Issues
Below are some common abandonment issues symptoms:
- Fear of being alone or unloved
- Relationship anxiety
- Intense loneliness even if other people surround you
- Feeling emotionally overwhelmed or sensitive during small changes in a relationship
- Feeling emotionally dependent on others
- Dismissing your own needs to prioritise people in your life
- Feeling jealous or possessive when your loved ones make new friends
- Feeling sad all the time
- Overthinking or ruminating (which is also a common symptom of obsessive-compulsive disorder)
- Mood swings based on others’ emotions
- Fear of getting intimate or vulnerable with other people
A Nervous System Response
Apart from the typical signs of abandonment issues, there may be other symptoms that occur due to our nervous system choosing a survival strategy automatically.
The responses, which may affect the overall well-being, include:
- Hypervigilance: Constantly scanning for signs of rejection and disappointment
- Emotional numbing: Repressing emotions (ie shutting down or ignoring) to avoid the pain that may occur due to abandonment issues
- Protest actions: Clinging, pursuing, or relying too much on someone due to the fear
- Isolation: Completely isolating or withdrawing from everyone for emotional safety
Causes of Abandonment Issues
There may be many causes of abandonment issues. For some people, it could stem from a difficult childhood with family, and for others, abandonment issues may have developed in early teens due to a heartbreaking romantic relationship.
However, some common causes of abandonment issues are:
- Abandonment: We may develop a fear of abandonment or issues with attachment due to being abandoned as children.
- Neglect or emotional abuse: Although not as obvious, neglect or abuse from caregivers (such as gaslighting by parents) can be traumatic and lead to troubles in the way the individual views the world and their relationships.
- Unhealthy family systems: Caregivers who don’t provide basic safety, affection, and protection may teach a child unhealthy patterns of interpersonal engagement. This could later lead to abandonment issues.
Healing from Abandonment Issues
Being abandoned is not just about who left your life, but also about what you may have lost when no one stayed to witness your experiences.
“I think we all have to be at least a little bit known by someone to stay sane.” — Everything Everywhere All At Once
There might be a lot of grief when we lose people in our lives, regardless of how the loss happens.
However, healing from abandonment issues is possible through effective self-care strategies and by exploring talk therapy.
How to Overcome Abandonment Issues: 2 Tips
Below are two simple yet effective tips that may help you overcome abandonment issues.
1) Name Your Issues
Naming the emotions that you may experience due to abandonment is a great tool for psychological self-respect and safety.
Naming your issues is like telling yourself that your story is real, your feelings are valid, and you deserve a better life with people who care about you.
By giving your experience words, you will begin to reclaim your power to heal and set higher standards for your relationships.
Below are a couple of tips that may help navigate abandonment issues:
- Name and create your reasoning for your thoughts. If you think thoughts like, “I’m too sensitive to care this much”... you may reason that your reaction is normal for a real emotional loss, rather than a sign that you're a sensitive person.
- Develop your relational safety. Try connecting with people who make you feel safe and engage with them consistently. This could be a friend, a trusted therapist, or a loved family member.
2) Reclaim Your Worth
Overcoming abandonment issues happens by building safety, and this is possible by becoming the presence you didn’t get from the person who abandoned you.
Self-validation and self-compassion are a radical act that may rewire your brain chemistry and change old patterns into newer, healthier ones.
Counselling for Abandonment Issues: When to Seek Help
If you feel like your abandonment issues are seeping into most areas of your life, such as relationships, work, thought patterns, sleep, and diet, talking to a counsellor may be helpful.
Further, if you’re unsure whether what you’re experiencing is abandonment issues but are still struggling with managing your emotions, a professional can help you identify what’s causing the problem and how to heal effectively.
At TYHO, our counsellors have a wide range of experience in dealing with trauma, parental neglect, and relationship issues.
Frequently Asked Questions
1) What to do if I have abandonment issues in relationships?
If you have abandonment issues in relationships, try the following:
- Acknowledge your fears by naming your emotions
- Try to communicate your thoughts and feelings to your loved ones openly
- Build relational trust and safety by slowly and consistently engaging with people who make you feel safe
Alternatively, a couples counsellor can also help you deal with issues in your relationship.
2) How to overcome abandonment issues?
To overcome abandonment issues, start by understanding where your fears come from (eg childhood trauma, adult relationships, or an underlying mental health condition) and how they affect your relationships.
Therapy can also help you work through past experiences and develop healthier coping patterns.
3) How to identify the abandonment issues symptoms?
To identify the abandonment issue symptoms, look out for signs like fear of being left, difficulty trusting others, seeking constant reassurance, or becoming overly dependent in relationships.
Final Word
Healing from abandonment issues is about learning to stand with and for ourselves in ways that no one else may have taught us before.
However, do also remember that you don’t have to heal alone. A counsellor can help you build resilience and confidence by standing with you on this journey.
