Understanding Boundaries: Meaning, Types and Examples

Boundaries define what actions are not okay in a relationship.  

Most kind-hearted people struggle with setting boundaries because they believe love equals sacrifice: of needs, desires, and goals.  

Yet the more you say ‘yes,’ the more your kindness turns into emotional exhaustion.  

In an AMA-style webinar, TYHO Therapist Avanti says that, “When we don't set boundaries, often we give (so much) until it feels like resentment and then the resentment can actually serve as a bit of a quiet poison within the relationship and will kill it over time.” (Watch the full video here)

Do you usually wait until the very last moment to set boundaries? If so, let’s start by understanding what boundaries are, the types, and how to set them effectively.  

What Are Boundaries?

Put simply:

“A boundary is a limit or edge that defines you as separate from others” (Katherine, 2010, p. 14).

The most obvious boundary is physical, where we create physical distance. However, other types such as emotional and mental also exist.  

Imagine boundaries as a water walking ball (ie an inflatable bubble ball that lets you walk and float on water), and you are inside the ball. The space inside is your personal space, not just physical, but all types of space, and you get to decide how close you get to each person and in what context.  

Note: Boundaries may differ across cultures, countries, relationships, and social contexts. For example, it’s usually customary for Southeast Asians to greet their parents with gestures of respect or honorific words. In contrast, people in Western countries may greet their parents with a hug, a wave, or a kiss.  

Types of Boundaries

As we’re made up of different facets, so are our boundaries. Let’s look into the four types of boundaries in this section.

1) Emotional Boundaries

Emotional boundaries protect our feelings and help us manage our moods and emotional energy.  

Let’s say you’re with your mother. Have you ever noticed how a change in her mood, perhaps expressing her anger at you due to unfinished household tasks, has had a direct yet uncontrollable effect on your own emotions? Maybe you’ve immediately felt sad, upset, or deeply unsettled.  

Taking a deep breath and saying, “I understand the dishes are yet to be done, but I need an hour to finish my own work first”, can help you set an emotional boundary and manage your own emotional overwhelm.  

2) Mental Boundaries

Mental boundaries protect the peace of our mind, thoughts, opinions, and intellectual freedom.  

When you set a mental boundary, you allow yourself to have your own thoughts, perceptions, and ideas, and you refuse to be influenced by others.  

Setting mental boundaries has a lot to do with how you communicate. For example, if someone tries to change your mind on a topic, politely assert your own opinion and agree to disagree.  

3) Physical Boundaries

Physical boundaries are often the easiest to understand, yet quite hard to practice in real life.  

For example, if someone is gaslighting you and you’d like to set a boundary, physically distancing yourself from the person may be the safest option.  

Although it’s easy to think of the physical boundary, moving away from someone you care about could be very hard. In such cases, talking to a professional, such as an expert counsellor, can help you figure out how best to handle the situation.

4) Time Boundaries

Time boundaries are how much time you’re willing to allocate to your personal and professional tasks and environment.  

Setting time boundaries is essential because it can help prevent work stress and burnout, reduce family conflicts, reduce anxiety, and more.  

Some examples of time boundaries are:

• Taking short breaks between each work task to increase productivity
• Politely declining unreasonable requests (whether professional or personal) without feeling guilty
• Clearly defining your availability  
• Saving enough time for rest, leisure, and sleep

If you’re struggling with work stress, talking to a therapist might help.  

Boundaries in 4 Different Areas of Life

Boundaries help you maintain relationships with yourself, family members, friends, and work colleagues.

Let’s look into what boundaries look like in different areas of your life.  

1) Personal Boundaries

Examples of personal boundaries include:

• Openly communicating with your partner or friends if you need alone time during a hangout.  
• Choosing not to share your digital details such as phone password, PIN codes, personal messages, or images with others.  
• Politely refusing physical contact such as light touches, hugs, or kisses if you feel uncomfortable with touch.  
• Choosing not to participate or engage in activities that conflict with your personal opinions.  

2) Boundaries at Work

Examples of boundaries at work include:

• Not responding to work messages or emails after working hours.
• Sharing your bandwidth concerns with your manager as often as possible.  
• Politely declining meetings with valid reasons if you need more time to work on your tasks or if you don’t have anything in particular to contribute.  
• Asking a colleague to handle a task that falls outside your responsibilities instead of taking it on yourself.

3) Boundaries in Friendships

Examples of boundaries in friendships include:  

• Communicating with your friends about being on time or needing more updates.  
• Letting a friend know you don’t currently have the space to offer emotional support.  
• Choosing to say ‘no’ to a friend when they ask for money, or asking for money owed to you.  
• Saying no to an invitation when you would rather spend your free time resting or doing something else.

4) Boundaries with Family

Examples of setting boundaries with family include:

• Asking a parent to stop commenting on your career choices when you have not asked for their opinion.
• Politely letting your relatives know that you’d appreciate them checking with you before dropping by your place.  
• Choosing not to discuss details about your romantic, sexual, or platonic relationship with family members.
• Asking family members to respect your decisions about how you raise your children.

How to Set Boundaries

Below are two skills you might need to set healthy boundaries:

1. Self-awareness: Being clear about our expectations for a dynamic is the first step in knowing what boundaries we want to set.  
2. Assertiveness: Clearly and honestly communicating your feelings may require assertiveness, which is also a form of self-care and helps you set boundaries.

Sometimes, people raised by parents who taught them that expressing their needs is selfish may struggle to set boundaries.

In such cases, talking to a counsellor may help you:

• Navigate unresolved childhood trauma
• Deal with your emotions  
• Learn practical skills such as emotional regulation
• Develop and maintain fulfilling relationships 

Frequently Asked Questions

1) How does boundary setting work?

Boundary setting includes:

• Recognising your own needs
• Communicating your needs honestly
• Deciding what you’ll do when your boundaries are not met
• Healthy boundaries help you protect your time, energy, privacy and emotional wellbeing.

2) What do healthy boundaries in relationships look like?

Healthy boundaries in relationships involve mutual respect for each person’s needs, feelings, time and personal space.  

Boundaries help you communicate what you are and are not comfortable with while giving the other person the freedom to express and maintain their own boundaries.

3) What are some examples of boundaries?

Examples of boundaries include:

• Saying no when you do not have the capacity to help
• Asking for privacy around personal matters
• Limiting contact outside working hours
• Openly mentioning when you need privacy
• Not discussing topics that make you uncomfortable 

Conclusion

The next time you find yourself stretched thin in relationships, remind yourself this:

• You can say no and still be kind.

• You can still be generous while choosing how and when you want to give your love.

• You can love people fiercely while still protecting your own peace.

I’ll leave you with a quote I read somewhere: boundaries are just an extension of your kindness. 💜