How to Deal With a Covert Narcissist: Signs, Strategies and Healing

Have you ever been with someone who makes you question your own reality? When you feel the need to persistently defend yourself to someone who insists they care about you?  

The individual you may be interacting with could be a covert narcissist. And if you recognise someone like that in your life, you’re not alone. Your exhaustion is valid, and talking to a counsellor may help.

The signs of covert narcissism may not be as obvious as other types of narcissism we may usually come across in the media. It involves a kind of manipulation that sounds benign while functioning as sophisticated psychological warfare underneath.  

Worry not; in this article, we’ll go through the signs of a covert narcissist, strategies to protect yourself, and tips to heal from abuse.  

What is a Covert Narcissist?  

A covert narcissist is also called a vulnerable narcissist. Covert narcissism weaponises language (ie purposefully using hurtful words) in a way that leaves them an easy way out to deny any accountability for whether they actually intended anything harmful.  

For example, when you’re close to someone, you may have been vulnerable and shared what makes you anxious or low. Perhaps someone commenting on your appearance during an argument could trigger your emotions.  

A covert narcissist may use this information you shared with them against you, but may put on a false impression that commenting on your appearance was never intentional.  

Below are some tools covert narcissists use:

• Deflecting accountability
• Making others feel guilty
• Making others feel confused
• Positioning themselves as victims
• Asserting control

What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

According to the DSM-5, narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition characterised by:

• A pervasive pattern of grandiosity in actions or imagination
• A persistent need for external validation and admiration
• Lack of empathy
• A sense of entitlement and belief that they are better at everything in comparison to everyone else
• Insensitivity and lack of consideration for others’ safety and needs
• Jealousy, spite, and envy of other people’s accomplishments and loves
• Arrogance or harmful behaviours

If you’re at risk of harm due to engaging with someone who exhibits narcissistic traits, talking to a therapist might be helpful.  

Related Terms

• Trauma Bond: A trauma bond is a deep emotional attachment between a person who is abused and an abuser who repeatedly harms, manipulates, or mistreats them. These bonds often form in relationships where affection (ie highs) and abuse (ie lows) occur in cycles. However, a trauma bond could also occur between two people who share similar traumatic experiences and bond based on that.

• Emotional Manipulation: A pattern of influencing or controlling someone by deliberately using their emotions, such as guilt, fear, shame, or sympathy. Emotional manipulation can involve making someone question their feelings, sense of judgement, or perception of a situation. A person who is manipulated may feel emotional overwhelm and distress.

If you find the above relatable,talking to an expert counsellormay be helpful.

Signs of a Covert Narcissist

Below are some typical covert narcissist traits, along with examples of what covert narcissistic abuse might look like:

• Covert narcissists induce guilt in other people as a verbal tactic. The tactic is used to make people feel responsible for the narcissist's emotional state and choices. For example, saying things like, “I guess I’ll take care of everything all by myself, like always.”
• Covert narcissists play the victim by reversing responsibility onto others. The narcissist may use phrases that position themselves in a way that, regardless of the harm they’ve caused, they may manipulate others into showing them sympathy. For example, “I was just trying to help. Why are you attacking me? I’m sorry for helping.”
• The covert narcissists alter your sense of reality by making you question your own perceptions and thoughts, also known as reality distortion or gaslighting. For example, “You’re being sensitive. I’d never do that to someone I love.”
• Covert narcissism also involves deflecting responsibility and avoiding any and all accountability. For example, after making a mistake, instead of acknowledging it, the narcissist may say something like, “I wasn't the only one at fault. We both had a part to play in it.”

How to Deal With a Covert Narcissist

“When you notice someone does something toxic the first time, don’t wait for the second time before you address it or cut them off.” — Shahida Arabi.

Dealing with a covert narcissist could involve protecting yourself through strategic responses, understanding covert control through analysing communication problems, and above all, seeking professional talk therapy support so you have a guiding hand to help you through this difficult phase of your life.  

Protecting Yourself Through Strategic Responses

• When you notice something off, trust your emotional response. For example, if you feel angry, uncomfortable, or confused, your emotions may be talking to you more than the words that the covert narcissist may be conveying.
• When you identify the narcissistic person engaging in harmful behaviours, name the patterns without expecting them to agree with you. For example, if the individual is gaslighting you, call them out by saying, “That’s gaslighting.” Putting words to the patterns may give you clarity even when the other person deflects the behaviours.  
• Stand your ground when the other person deflects responsibility. For example, when the covert narcissist says, “Both of us were at fault,” you could say, “I'm open to discussing my specific actions that may have led you to believe that I’m at fault. What specific behaviours of yours would you like to address?”
• Talk to others to help you see the reality, including your friends, an expert counsellor, or a family member. Share specific details of conversations so they can help you identify patterns of manipulation.

Recognising Covert Control Through Communication

Covert narcissists may use control through verbal communication, and this may be difficult to recognise as it’s not as obvious as other forms of manipulation. For example, covert control can seem like constructive criticism or even concern.  

Paying attention to patterns of the conversations rather than individual words or phrases may help deal with covert narcissists. Below are some tips to help with just that:

• Talks of how hurt or unloved they feel induce guilt  
• Shifting the focus on both of you to avoid accountability for their own mistake (eg “We both need to work on this” for a mistake they may have made)
• Providing criticism that may sound caring, yet has underlying hurtful intentions that target your vulnerable feelings
• Creating ‘double binds’ where there is no ‘correct’ answer to anything (eg if you speak up, you are ‘too much’, but if you’re quiet, you don’t care enough)
• Using therapy talk to invalidate you (eg using words like boundaries or open communication selectively while dismissing your needs)

What makes these patterns particularly confusing is that each interaction can sound reasonable on its own. However, the key lies in the repetitive pattern.

If interactions with someone make you feel guilty, confused or defensive, it may be worth stepping back and seeking support from an experienced counsellor to see the bigger picture.

Seeking Professional Counselling Services

Sometimes, handling everything on your own might get overwhelming. Especially with narcissistic traits, it can be hard to tell when the interpersonal relationship is affecting you on a level you can handle on your own, and when it steps over the line into abuse.  

Talking to a therapist in Malaysia can help you:

• Identify how to navigate your own issues while learning to distance yourself from a covert narcissist
• Explore your past relationships that may be contributing to your current negative experiences
• Manage your emotions and mood swings
• Improve your relationship with your partner, family and friends
• Gain confidence, assertiveness, and self-worth

At TYHO, around 4% of users seek support for concerns involving narcissistic individuals, although narcissistic abuse is not always easy for those on the receiving end to recognise or identify.  

Additionally, nearly 49% of users seek support for relationship issues (involving narcissistic traits) and 20% for family-related concerns, many of whom may experience elements of gaslighting, emotional manipulation, or controlling behaviours. 

Conclusion

If you saw yourself in this article, please know that you’re not overreacting and you’re not alone. Trust your intuition and your experiences.

Your mental health, energy, and peace are non-negotiable, and at TYHO, we’re here to help you connect with the right professional so you can protect yourself with the highest quality of care.