At TYHO, we regularly hear from clients looking for a counsellor in Malaysia to talk about grief, whether they’re navigating their own loss or looking for guidance on what to say to someone who has lost a loved one.
Actor Andrew Garfield once spoke about grief after losing his other:
"This is all the unexpressed love, the grief that will remain with us until we pass because we never get enough time with each other, no matter if someone lives until 60, 15, or 99. I hope this grief stays with me, because it's all the unexpressed love that I didn't get to tell her. And I told her every day."
When facing grief, we may feel engulfed with painful emotions. However, when wondering how to comfort others, we may feel utterly powerless in the face of another person’s deepest pain.
While we may not be able to take all the pain away, we can still hold their hands and offer the most important thing we can: presence.
If you’re reading this, chances are someone you love is grieving.
It’s likely that you’re awkward about death, Googling ‘What to say to someone who lost a loved one’, or overthinking a hundred different condolence messages before…you end up doing nothing; and fret that you’re not doing the right thing.
Talking about death is hard. In fact, expert Therapists note that we may be more likely to have a ‘good death’ if we stop whispering and become more comfortable talking openly about death.
So, cut yourself some slack for any pre-planned sympathy messages, and try to think about what grieving people may actually need to hear (and what they don’t).
The most important thing to remember is that our fear of saying or doing the wrong thing shouldn’t unintentionally leave people to navigate the worst days of their lives all alone.
Consider this section your starting point in learning how to talk about grief and how to help a grieving friend.
Say to someone grieving what they’d be relieved to hear, ie, words of comfort for loss, offering active support in various areas of life, and asking specific questions.
What would a person who lost a loved one want to hear? Think about this question in the context of your friend’s personality and their life - including the individual they’ve lost.
On the one hand, some people prefer to be vulnerable and hear thoughts like, “I can’t imagine how hard this must feel for you. I’m here with all my love for you.”
On the other hand, some people may be struggling to accept the loss and would prefer something more practical, like, “I’m here for you if you need any help with cleaning your house or cooking meals for a week or two.”
Think about what your friend is like and what they might need from you in this moment of grief.
Most often, our default and ‘safest’ response that springs to mind, “I’m sorry”, isn’t as comforting to someone who lost a loved one.
Try to avoid saying the following:
Below are some examples of condolence messages when you’re thinking about what to say to someone who has lost a loved one.
There are many ways you can help a grieving friend. Start by showing up. As we saw earlier in the article, your presence, now more than ever, can make all the difference in making it a little easier for your friend to breathe.
Show up by:
When the fog starts to lift from their body (and heart; although time takes its own time there), invite them to do art with you. Grief lives everywhere - in the body and the mind, so movement and stimulation can be great choices.
Here are some activities that might be helpful:
Keep checking in. Grief may fade, but it may still bounce back in full colour - and the hardest part is that we may never know when. Mark your calendars on the death day birthday, and other key milestones, and reach out whenever you think of your friend.
Try not to take your grieving loved one’s silence or disappearance personally. Someone grieving might behave in ways you aren’t used to.
For example, the person may seem angry, sad all the time, isolate themselves, or fake their happiness. All these differences are just their pain trying to metabolise itself.
Let them be messy, and above all, give them space to be messy with you.
Individual counselling can help with grief in many instances, such as:
If you notice the above signs in your loved one, they may benefit from talking to a counsellor in Malaysia.
However, approaching them empathetically and without crossing their emotional boundary is key to ensuring that they meet you where you are.
Try to find a calm moment and sit with your friend or family member.
Start by talking about your own feelings first: “I’m worried that you’re not sleeping anymore. I wish I had the solution to help you.”
Then, bring up seeking professional support: “Maybe you should look into talking to a therapist about it?”
At this instance, if you’ve previously been to therapy to navigate grief or any other issues, you can mention it to soften the overall message: “My therapist actually helped me learn this [specific tool] to deal with sadness. I think you might find therapy helpful too.”
Although it might seem uncomfortable or scary to get started, assure them that they’re not alone. In fact, recent research has shown that in-person and online therapy can help address prolonged grief.
The best condolence message is the one that your friend or loved one might want to hear. Some examples could be:
Supporting someone who is grieving can be as simple as being there for them. Listen when they want to talk, check in regularly, offer practical help, and give them space to grieve in their own way. You don't always need to have the right words. Sometimes, simply letting them know you’re there can be enough.
Comforting someone who lost a loved one through text can be uncomfortable.
However, try not to be shy about writing paragraphs or details about how much you love this person and what type of help you can provide them - whether that be chores, emotional, or practical- and offer them specific and warm condolence messages that centre your relationship with them.
A sympathy message doesn't need to be long or elaborate. For example, you could say: “I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m here if you need anything,” or “Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time.”
The grief etiquette is that there’s no perfect thing to say; your presence is all that matters.
People often learn to walk through life with their grief, and the best you can do is walk through with them.
Ultimately, we encourage you to trust your instincts, put the grieving person at the forefront of your thoughts when offering support, and sit with them through the most wobbly ride that is life.
If you are in crisis, or another person may be in danger, do not use this site. Please refer to these resources instead.
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