In recent years, the terms ‘narcissistic’ and ‘gaslighting’ have become increasingly prevalent in conversations surrounding relationships and mental health. But what exactly is narcissistic gaslighting, and how does it manifest in our everyday lives?
To begin with, a gaslighting narcissist is an individual with narcissistic personality traits who uses manipulation tactics to sow doubt in the minds of others, ultimately causing them to question their sanity and reality. This form of psychological manipulation is called narcissistic gaslighting.
According to a study published in the National Library of Medicine, the prevalence of lifetime narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) was around 6.2%, and it is believed that a significant proportion of these individuals engage in gaslighting behaviour.
Moreover, with the rise of social media and the spread of misinformation, there is a growing concern that narcissistic and gaslighting behaviours may be on the rise.
In this article, we will explore common signs of gaslighting and discuss how to address gaslighting behaviours.
Unintentional or unconscious gaslighting occurs when the person gaslighting is unaware that their behaviour manipulates the reality of another. While there is no obvious intent to exploit, they may still lead the other party to doubt their own judgment.
Often, where a person lacks the ability to validate another person, they generally lack the capacity to see that they might be gaslighting someone too.
In that respect, parents often gaslight unintentionally – this is not because they don’t love their children, but because they don’t understand how they may be saying things or taking actions that are invalidating.
Moreover, if parents are not called out for their gaslighting behaviour, they may continue to perpetuate it out of habit and remain oblivious to the fact that they are causing their child to question their own thoughts and memory.
To understand whether our parents are gaslighting unconsciously or unintentionally, we must first establish that they probably do not know what constitutes it.
Also, they likely grew up being subject to gaslighting themselves. But the difference between us and them is that now we have the privilege and awareness to examine, reflect, and transform this largely unconscious practice, and by extension, our relationships.
Here are some examples of unintentional parental gaslighting:
When children call their parents out on their unacceptable actions or behaviours, parents may deny ever carrying them out. In doing so, parents may be trying to preserve their positive self-image or be motivated by guilt.
The denial may even be a result of a lack of awareness. However, in repeatedly denying their own actions, they end up gaslighting their children instead of validating them.
When such interaction happens frequently, it is easy for children to learn not to share about what they feel.
Besides denying what they have said or done, if parents are engaging in unconscious parental gaslighting, they may also insist that only their account of the event is accurate.
Parents could tell the child that what they remembered was not exactly what happened. There would also be attempts to convince the child of other things they did or said instead.
In such interactions, the child might start to feel really confused about what the truth is. On one hand, there is a memory of the incident and what the involved parties have said or done. On the other hand, the involved parties are either denying or failing to see the other side of the story.
In this confusion, it is easy for the child, even into their adulthood, to start wondering whether it was valid to have felt what they felt.
When a child shares with the parents how they have made them feel, the latter may turn the tables around to victimise themselves instead, in a bid to deflect responsibility for how they made their child feel.
Parents may talk about how the child is being rude or ungrateful, or recount histories where the child has done something wrong and go on about how they are hurt.
By doing so, they attempt to redirect the child’s focus onto their own guilt. As the parents play the victim’s role, it might also influence the child to sympathise with their story, so that the child can stop calling them out.
Parents could say things like:
One key sign of narcissistic gaslighting is when a person tells blatant lies or exaggerates their achievements, often to make themselves look better or manipulate others.
For instance, the person may downplay the achievements of others to draw attention to themselves.
People can be narcissists, gaslighters, or both. Narcissistic people aim to become superior and ‘special.’ Whereas gaslighters use psychological intimidation (which may manifest as a threat) to make others feel inferior.
A narcissistic gaslighter, then, is someone who constantly augments their domination over other people. It may be emotionally exhausting to face these situations, and oftentimes, we may not know how to handle them.
Displaying aggressive behaviours towards criticism is one of the major signs of gaslighting. This means that when a person receives a comment about their action, either in the form of feedback or constructive criticism, they often react very poorly.
No matter how helpful or valid the statement may be, narcissistic gaslighters cannot handle it, nor can they grasp the commenter’s intention due to their ego.
Aggressive behaviours may manifest in the form of temper tantrums, excuses, denial, blame, hypersensitivity, verbal abuse, avoidance, passive-aggression, or even physical abuse.
For example, if you point out a mistake they made, they may become angry and lash out at you. They may blame you for being too critical and try to make you feel guilty for pointing out their mistake.
Gaslighters almost always resort to extremes by magnifying the situation’s impact as a means to intimidate or oppress the other person. In addition, they often view relationships (of any form) as inherently competitive rather than collaborative.
As a result, their perception relies on the idea that a relationship is a zero-sum game. To them, this means that they can either ‘win’ or ‘lose.’
“Peace is not the absence of conflict but the presence of creative alternatives for responding to conflict – alternatives to passive or aggressive responses, alternatives to violence.” – Dorothy Thompson
Have you ever encountered someone who seems too good to be true? They may be projecting a fabricated persona as a part of narcissistic gaslighting. In simpler terms, a fabricated persona refers to an exaggerated or entirely false self-image created to manipulate others.
For example, a person might claim they are an expert in a particular field when they have little to no experience. They do this to garner admiration and control over their victims. But unfortunately, these people are skilled at hiding their true intentions, making it challenging to recognise the warning signs.
Their ‘hero complex’ (wanting to be in the spotlight constantly) can manifest in a number of ways. This includes physically, romantically, sexually, socially, spiritually, financially, academically, professionally, or culturally.
The hidden messages behind this attitude are: ‘I am the best, ‘I am better than you, ‘I know everything,’ ‘I will always have the final say because I am always right,’ and so on.
Narcissistic gaslighting is a subtle manipulative tactic that people use to get away with violating rules, boundaries, and social norms. They achieve this through a series of behaviours that can often be difficult to pinpoint.
For example, narcissists may consistently dismiss or trivialise their partner’s concerns, making them question their thoughts and feelings.
Narcissistic gaslighting examples relating to the violation of rules include:
Additionally, they tend to twist the narrative in their favour, blaming the victim for any issues that arise. This can leave the person on the receiving end feeling confused, invalidated, and unsure of their own actions.
People who fall back on narcissism and gaslighting to defend themselves often presume entitlement with an egocentric orientation that dehumanises their victim. In some cases, this reaction may be extreme. Examples include financial abuse, sexual harassment, date rape, domestic abuse, human rights violation, and other hate crimes.
Not everyone who engages in narcissistic or gaslighting behaviour patterns engages in disruptive behaviours. If you think you or someone close to you might be in danger, please seek professional help immediately or call the national police hotline.
In essence, blame-shifting involves the narcissist transferring the responsibility for their own actions or behaviour onto someone else, frequently their victim.
To illustrate this concept, consider a simple gaslighting example: a narcissist breaks a vase but accuses their partner of being careless and causing the accident. In this scenario, the narcissist refuses to accept any responsibility for the incident and instead attempts to make their partner feel guilty.
This behaviour is common in narcissistic gaslighting, as it allows the narcissist to maintain a sense of superiority and control over their victim.
Every person has probably shifted blame onto other people at some point in their lives. However, if this continuously recurs in the relationship, it can become increasingly difficult to cope.
When dealing with signs of gaslighting, it is crucial to understand how to approach the situation and respond appropriately.
Try to establish healthy boundaries to counteract the negative effects of gaslighting.
Ultimately, the goal is to develop the tools and resilience needed to maintain a sense of self-worth and emotional wellbeing, even when faced with narcissistic gaslighting. When a person uses gaslighting as a method to put you down, here is what you can do:
However, if you notice you have made a mistake, try to acknowledge it. At the same time, avoid taking responsibility for things that are not your fault.
Finally, try to avoid engaging in arguments or debates. Instead, consider consulting a professional therapist if you notice consistent patterns. You can approach the narcissistic person and propose the idea of family or couples therapy based on the relationship you share with them.
A gaslighting narcissist is an individual with narcissistic personality traits who uses manipulation tactics to sow doubt in the minds of others. People who gaslight use emotional abuse to make the other person question their sanity and reality.
Some signs of narcissistic gaslighting include lies, aggressiveness, violating boundaries, shifting blame, and so on.
Knowing how to respond to a narcissist's gaslighting might be helpful in the face of exaggerations.
Psycho-education through therapy, learning about the signs of narcissistic gaslighting, and asserting your boundaries are some ways to regain control of the situation.
If you are in crisis, or another person may be in danger, do not use this site. Please refer to these resources instead.
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