While grieving, it can feel like our pain will last forever. You might wonder, does grief ever go away? When and how does grief end? Unfortunately, there are no simple answers as grief is both complex and personal. So then how do we cope through grief counselling? How does grief change over time? What are some self-care tips for coping with grief?
Loss is part-and-parcel of life. We all experience it at some point. Grieving is a natural response to this loss. In fact, coping with the loss of a loved one is one of the most challenging experiences we face in life.
In the moment, grief can feel insurmountable. However, the feelings of loss generally diminish over time. It is important to remember that everyone has their own timeline for grieving. Moreover, we all cope and react to grief in our own way. Another person’s grief can appear different from your own. But both your expression of grief and theirs are valid.
Normal grief is a completely natural psychological response to the loss of a loved one. When bereavement first occurs, we commonly experience what is termed as “normal grief” or “acute grief”. This phase usually occurs within a few weeks to 6 months (Boelen & Smid, 2017).
Normal grief is stereotypically understood as having feelings of sadness and yearning for the deceased (Shear, 2012). However, it is good to note that just like how there are many triggers for grief, there are also multiple dimensions to grieving.
Some ways in which normal grieving can occur are:
While extensive, this list of grief reactions is not exhaustive. You may experience other reactions to grief that are not listed here. The grief reactions that may seem more unique to you are still valid.
Most importantly, during this difficult period, we need to monitor our own well-being. This involves becoming aware of how grieving is affecting us and seeking support when needed, such as seeking medical attention for physical symptoms. Also, it can mean speaking to our loved ones or a therapist about the emotional, psychological, and mental struggles.
One popular (but incomplete – more on this later) way in which grief has been conceptualized is in Kübler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief (1969). Originally, this model was created based on a study about individuals reacting to news on having a fatal diagnosis. However, overtime, the use of this model has been applied to other experiences of grief. This includes bereaved individuals (Stroebe, Schut & Boerner, 2017).
Each stage of grief was theorized to be experienced sequentially. This categorization was intended to provide more tailored support for individuals in each different stage. The five stages are:
The Kübler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief is widely applied. However, it is limited in helping us better understand grief. Here are some reasons why this model may not be an accurate representation of the grieving process (Stroebe, Schut & Boerner, 2017):
Kübler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief is unable account for individual differences in grieving. Mental health practitioners like counsellors are generally not advised to use it. You may find that your experience of grieving is not accurately captured in this model. This is a normal occurrence and not a cause for concern. The way in which you process grief and move through the grieving process is unique to you.
Myth: Grief follows a specific, linear progression of stages.
Fact: While there are five stages of grief, it doesn’t necessarily follow this exact sequence. Everyone grieves differently, and these stages may happen in any order, overlap, or even be skipped entirely.
Myth: It’s necessary to “stay strong” in the face of loss.
Fact: Feeling the need to put on a brave face often hinders the grieving process. It’s okay, and indeed healthy, to express and share feelings of sadness, anger, or confusion that come with grief.
Myth: If you grieve correctly, you should be “over it” within a year.
Fact: There’s no set timeline for grief. Everyone copes with loss in their own time and in their own way. Grief can ebb and flow and can be triggered by specific dates, events, or reminders even years after the loss.
Myth: Crying is a necessary part of the grief process.
Fact: Crying is a common response to sorrow, but it’s not the only way to express grief. Some people may not cry at all but still experience deep feelings of loss.
There are more accurate models of grief that have been proposed in place of Kübler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief. One such model is the Dual-process Model of Grieving. This model proposes that bereaved individuals move back and forth between grieving the loss and preparing for life without the deceased. Both processes facilitate normal grieving.
It also suggests that both confrontation and avoidance of loss are adaptive parts of the grieving process. The back and forth momentum continues until bereavement is completed.
Over the whole grieving process, a person’s relationship with the deceased changes form. This can be an adaptive way of coping with loss. It involves the concept of continuing bonds, where bereaved individuals retain their connection to the deceased individual and acknowledge the impact that the latter had on their lives.
It allows bereaved individuals to recognise their loss while not being debilitated by it. This can look like “talking” to a deceased individual at their grave. While the deceased is no longer around, bereaved individuals can still tap into memories about their presence.
Grief can harm our physical body. Since grief is a stress reaction, it can have debilitating impact on our health. Due to the changes in stress hormones, bereaved individuals can experience a weakened immunity. This can lead to some of the physical effects of grieving as listed above. Also, grief has been found to result in worse overall health for the bereaved. It can aggravate physical pain, increase blood pressure and blood clots. Furthermore, grief can place an individual at a higher risk of having a heart attack.
When we are aware of what grief does to our body, it reminds us to nourish our body with quality care. This includes being more aware of our physiological changes while grieving. It can mean going for more regular health check-ups and consulting a doctor about difficult physical symptoms.
The duration of grieving will naturally differ for each individual. There is generally no standard “normal” timeframe in which a person is expected to grieve. The grieving process is very personal and based on many individual factors.
Some studies have attempted to provide a rough gauge for how long bereaved individuals experience more intense grief reactions. A study showed that grief reactions generally peaked around 2 to 4 months. This includes emotions such as sadness, yearning and anger. The reactions gradually declined over a course of 2 years. Also, over this period, acceptance of loss gradually increased.
While these studies may aim to provide some understanding of the grieving process, yours is unique to you. Generally, it is important for us monitor how we are reacting to grief. This will provide information on how we are coping. If you are worried about the duration of your grief, you can consult a mental health professional. The professional will be able to provide individual assessment and address your doubts based on your situation.
There is no formal standard for how long an individual will grieve. There is also no short answer to the question when and how does grief end? The truth is, it really depends on each individual.
When we determine an individual is grieving for “too long”, it is in relation to an individual’s ability to cope. Clinically, this involves assessing if an individual is functioning well in different areas of life. These areas include one’s ability to run errands, continue to work and have a social life. When intense reactions to grief cause distress in one’s daily functioning and last beyond 6 months, it signals a problem. This can be a sign of complicated grief.
Complicated grief is defined as a condition where the bereaved remains distressed and unable to move towards acceptance. Generally speaking, grief does not usually require clinical treatment. However, for instances of complicated grief, mental health professionals are required to intervene. This is usually in the form of psychotherapy and/or peer support groups.
In the DSM-5, complicated grief is diagnosed as Persistent Complex Bereavement-Related Disorder. The symptoms of this disorder are (American Psychiatric Association, 2013):
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