You’ve found someone you want to be with for a long time. Your dating life is going great, and in fact, you’re planning to get married.
If the above describes your life right now, we’re here to tell you this:
Marriage counselling is important and can help you transition from dating to married life in a smooth and happy way.
Very often, moving in together is a great way to strengthen the bond. However, this new phase in life may completely change the dynamic with your romantic partner. From figuring out your routine from scratch to prioritising alone time, there are many things you may need to consider - individually and as a couple.
Below, let’s walk through common cohabitation issues and how marriage counselling can support you during this wonderful time!
Imagine sitting on the same couch with your partner and opening up your heart and soul to each other. Marriage counselling is a space where you can be vulnerable and honest with each other.
During sessions, you and your partner may talk to an expert marriage counsellor to work through:
At Talk Your Heart Out (TYHO), marriage counselling sessions are available online globally and in-person. You may also seek support through an employee assistance program offered by either of your companies.
Couples often assume that counselling is only for relationships that are in a crisis situation. However, that is untrue. Marriage counselling is as much a preventive tool as it is a reactive one, offered during difficult times.
The first session is known as the intake session, during which both partners get to know the therapist and share common goals and concerns.
For example, your therapist may enquire about the following:
From then on, sessions are personalised to your needs and the professionals start focusing on providing tools to navigate your married life.
Moving in together after marriage comes with a lot of exciting moments. Yet, newlyweds may also struggle with new problems that they hadn’t experienced in the relationship before.
These challenges are normal and may arise during the transition. Let’s explore some of the common cohabitation issues in this section.
One of the first challenges that may come up is the lack of personal space. Before the marriage, you may have lived in a different house. After moving in, you may find yourself interacting with your partner more intimately and in ways you’re not yet accustomed to.
For example, if you’re someone who prefers decompressing alone after a long work day, you may not have this space in your marriage at the very beginning. Suddenly, there’s someone always around, or you may have certain responsibilities to tend to.
The lack of alone time can be frustrating. As days go by, you may become irritated, snap more easily, withdraw emotionally, or find it hard to open up with your partner.
Marriage counselling explores what ‘space’ means to each other and how to set boundaries in a way that works for both of you.
Moving in with your partner means that you may have to adjust to a new morning, evening, and nighttime routine. Your life shifts in a drastic way.
At the very beginning, couples tend to be in the honeymoon phase (ie the initial intense feelings of attraction and excitement that you may have experienced right after marriage). However, as you begin to settle in, you may notice differences in routines and habits that don’t align with your own.
For example, let’s assume that you like your surroundings to be neat and clean. Dust or clutter of any kind can easily frustrate or upset you. In this case, let’s also assume that your partner is the exact opposite.
After you move in together, you may notice arguments about keeping the room clean, doing the dishes, or cleaning the dust that accumulates on your countertops. These minor frustrations may ultimately lead to a breakdown in communication.
A marriage counsellor can help you prepare in advance for such transitions. You may learn to set marriage expectations and see things from each other’s perspective.
In line with differing routines, you may now have shared responsibilities. Living together means that you may have to manage a household with your partner.
Shared responsibilities could include managing finances, dividing chores, cooking, and adjusting to each other’s work-life balance. The marriage responsibilities are not just about who does what, but they may also involve how fairly the tasks have been distributed between you and your partner.
Arguments or conflicts around responsibilities are more common in dual-career households where one partner earns more. For example, if your partner earns more than you and always expects you to cook and take care of household chores, you may find the expectation overbearing or uncomfortable.
In such cases, marriage counselling may provide a non-judgmental space for you and your partner to unpack your expectations and create systems that feel supportive rather than authoritative.
How does marriage counselling help you navigate your married life? What skills can you learn from a therapist? Is marriage counselling right for your relationship?
Let’s address the above questions in this section.
Healthy communication shapes the foundation of love and marriage. A marriage counsellor can help you:
Sessions may focus on any communication issues you are facing, and the professional may teach you therapeutic techniques to enhance your interactions.
Common techniques that a marriage counsellor may use could include role-plays and therapy homework. These tools can help you break the negative pattern of blame or avoidance.
At-home exercise:
Having this conversation can help you make your interactions more transparent and honest.
Conflict resolution is an essential skill that couples are often encouraged to develop before moving in together.
Marriage counselling helps you identify how you handle conflicts, whether your approach is healthy, and how you can improve the skill to deescalate problems more smoothly.
In sessions, the therapist may help you break down a recent argument, highlight where things could’ve gone wrong, and offer effective tools such as ‘I Statements’ to resolve the conflict.
Examples could include saying things like, ‘What I meant was…’ or ‘I understood that that conversation hurt you.’
At-home exercise:
Review it together once you're both calm and feel comfortable addressing the issue.
Relationship transitions, such as transitioning from dating to moving in together or from dating to getting married, can be as exciting as they are overwhelming.
In the new transitioned life, your expectations of the relationship may change drastically. For example, without even realising it, you may prefer more alone time after moving in than you did when you were living away from your partner.
It can be hard to identify all the changes in needs without any external and unbiased help.
In sessions, marriage counsellors can guide you through mapping your expectations. This exercise could involve listing out what you assumed would change (or stay the same) after moving in together as a married couple.
At-home exercise:
After writing down your answers, try to have an open conversation and compare the list with your partner. You may not have to come up with the solutions right away, but addressing these problems and thoughts can be a first step!
Couples often assume that marriage counselling is only for couples who are facing a crisis or are on the brink of a breakup. However, that is not the case.
Marriage counselling can also work as a preventive tool to help you:
Counsellors can help you identify emotional and interpersonal patterns that may be causing conflicts in your marriage. Some approaches used during sessions are cognitive behavioural therapy, emotionally focused therapy, or acceptance and commitment therapy.
At-home exercise
Each month, set a small, shared goal. For example:
Moving in together after marriage could mean you’re spending more time together. While some couples may invest more time in marriage, others may invest more time in their personal lives.
Achieving a balance between a relationship and personal life can be a struggle.
Marriage counselling helps you avoid codependency while still prioritising your marriage and interpersonal bond.
In sessions, you may reflect on what energises you independently, and then explore whether your partner supports these things (and vice versa). You will work together with your partner and the therapist to learn how to respect each other’s space, support individual dreams, and inspire each other.
At-home tool:
Draw a weekly calendar and highlight:
Are all three getting enough attention?
“Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new.” - Ursula K. LeGuin, The Lathe of Heaven.
Love in a marriage is sometimes a skill you can hone. And marriage counselling helps you do just that.
In this article, we saw the following: Marriage counselling helps improve your married life and fosters a deeper understanding of each other, communication tools taught in counselling make conversations effective, conflict resolution techniques help couples repair and reconnect after arguments, counselling guides couples through relationship transitions like moving in.
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