What if we told you there’s a secret to building the best relationship?
It’s not a pill. It’s not a technique. Instead, the best relationships are the ones where partners put in mutual effort and hard work through couples counselling or their own experience.
Yes, that doesn’t sound as interesting as swallowing a pill to fix all our problems. But putting intentional effort is a foolproof solution!
Sometimes, couples may not know the skills to work on their problems. As issues remain unresolved, it could lead to poor relationship patterns, emotional disconnect, and lack of intimacy.
You may be eager to seek couples counselling at this stage because you know your relationship could benefit from expert guidance. Yet your partner may be unwilling.
When you bring up the topic, you may meet with resistance. Your partner may not be aware of the benefits of counselling. Or the prevalence of stigma could prevent them from reaching out for help.
Hence, the goal of the article is to provide you with a step-by-step strategy to encourage your partner to join you for sessions.
“Even a marriage that is about to hit rock bottom can be revived with the right intervention.” – Dr. Gottman
When you date or get married, relationship counselling may be the last thing on your mind.
However, what most are not aware of is that professional support can:
If you are ready to talk with a counsellor but your partner isn’t, you can do some things to encourage them. Let’s look into those 5 tips below.
How do you first initiate the conversation? Here are some ideas. Try saying:
“Can I talk to you about something that’s been on my mind lately?”
When your partner shows interest in listening to you, continue with:
“I was thinking about what both of us want for our relationship. I want us to feel like this is a great relationship where we feel heard, loved, and accepted for who we are. Although we have this right now, I wonder whether this is all we can do for ourselves?”
An open-ended question such as the above can elicit curiosity and a feeling of affection. Your openness shows that you care and may make your partner feel loved.
Try to maintain a gentle and suggestive tone when the conversation goes forward. Rushing into the topic (ie talking to a couples counsellor) right away can make your partner feel defensive or scared.
If you are bothered or worried about a specific issue in your relationship, such as finances, mental health issues, or low self-esteem, shift the conversation towards yourself.
Try saying: “I feel unhappy and gloomy these days, and I’m worried it’s also affecting our relationship. If you’re also willing to explore our issues more deeply, maybe we could try to talk to a couples counsellor in Singapore?”
If you want to try counselling for other reasons, such as feeling prepared to handle future conflicts or learning more about your relationship from a fresh perspective, shift the conversation away from yourself.
Try saying: “I’ve been reading so much about couples therapy. I think it could be fun to explore it ourselves. What do you think?”
Connecting emotionally means that you’re being kind and compassionate – to yourself and your partner.
Saying something like, “This is horrible. We need serious help,” can demotivate your partner to try counselling. In fact, you may also grow to hate the idea of seeking help.
Becoming angry or trying to force the conversation may lead to withdrawal and undermine the effectiveness of relationship therapy. It’s like saying, “I don’t care, and I’m not being serious about this.”
Starting a conversation with anger or resentment will likely end similarly.
Instead, you may want to approach your partner with an emotional connection. Even before bringing up counselling, try to make yourself and your partner comfortable. Observe if both of you are in the space to think and feel deeply.
To let yourself loose, try:
Once you feel emotionally connected to your partner, bring up the benefits of counselling. When couples reach this point of openness, many also find that marriage counselling is effective in strengthening communication and rebuilding trust in marriage (especially if that's one of your goals as a couple).
Tip: If you’ve previously been to individual therapy, talk about the changes you’ve seen in yourself after seeking support. Recall any specific techniques or insights you may have gained and bring them up in the conversation. Talk about very specific examples of how therapy has helped you. If you’ve not been to therapy before, you may also talk about the benefits in general or share your friend’s experience seeking support.
Research shows that emotionally focused couples therapy can improve satisfaction and connection in a relationship. The experts from the study also followed up with couples who experienced the positive benefits.
The participants noted that they had a better understanding of how each other’s reaction affects the other.
EFT can also help you identify and change destructive patterns such as stonewalling or narcissism.
When talking to your partner about couples therapy, quote the above research. Show them real data of what therapy is: collaboration.
Mention the importance of collaboration in a relationship. This is especially helpful if your partner misunderstands therapy as an intervention that only helps couples with serious issues.
Try to break the myths of counselling. Let your partner know that maintaining a relationship is similar to a well-functioning clock. Each gear and spring must work collaboratively to ensure we see the right time.
Similarly, you and your partner need to be in sync to make the relationship work – which is precisely what the couples counsellor will help with.
Assuming that both of you are considering talking to a couples therapist, what now?
At this point, focus on learning more about your partner’s view on:
It will be impossible to book that first session if you or your partner are unsure why you want to seek therapy.
The reasons for seeking help can be vast. Some examples include:
Although there’s never a right or wrong reason – it can be difficult to identify one.
Prompt each other with questions, such as:
“If you were in the perfect relationship, what would that look like for you?”
The answer could be neutral, like “we express our emotions clearly,” or slightly negative, like “You never fight with me.”
Try to listen to your partner non-defensively. Ask open-ended questions to analyse where they’re coming from and what help you may need due to this specific problem.
Your reasons for seeking help may be different than your partner’s. That’s okay.
The idea is to develop a comprehensive list of issues you may want to address during therapy and ensure that both of you know all the topics you want to discuss before you attend your session.
The last step to make sure you have a positive experience while encouraging your partner is to navigate the logistics.
Sometimes, a simple discrepancy in timing can cause a person to avoid support. As the idea of talking to a therapist can be overwhelming, many may come up with excuses to put it off.
To prevent the delay in seeking help, figure out the when, how, and where of couples counselling.
Here are some questions you can brainstorm together:
As you ask yourself questions, you may start gaining clarity on what works best for you and your partner.
At Talk Your Heart Out (TYHO), we provide both online and in-person counselling in Singapore.
You can shortlist Therapists based on several factors, including but not limited to:
Seeking mental health support doesn’t mean your relationship is weak. It shows the amount of love and care you hold for your partner.
“You know you’ve found true love when you catch yourself falling in love with the same person over and over again, despite them being miles away from you.” – Frank Lloyd Wright.
And falling in love means you fall in love with the person’s strengths, weaknesses, flaws, and perfections – over and over again.
Sometimes, love comes easily. But most times, it takes effort.
If you’re unsure how to put in that effort, couples counsellors can help. If your partner is unwilling to seek support, here’s what you can do:
Pitch your idea in a smart way (the conversation should either focus on you or away from you – never on your partner!)
Connect emotionally before addressing the topic (watch a movie or take a walk to loosen up)
Talk about collaboration (therapy is proof of mutual effort and respect towards each other)
Bridge the gap (identify any discrepancies in your and your partner’s idea of seeking counselling)
Navigate the logistics (figure out when, how, and where you want to seek support and make sure your needs align with your partner’s)
If there’s anything you’re taking away from this article, we hope it’s this: Couples counselling works. Book your first session today!
If you are in crisis, or another person may be in danger, do not use this site. Please refer to these resources instead.
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