Why Do I Miss My Ex and How to Move On

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Thinking ‘I miss my ex’ can sometimes lead to a spiral of uninvited thoughts and feelings about a past relationship. 

Perhaps there is sadness and regret about what was lost or curiosity about what could have been. You may long to be back in a relationship with your ex, and you may be wondering if they feel the same way. 

Missing an ex is a normal and universal experience. Having said that, everyone heals from breakups in their own way and in their own time. If you're struggling to let go of a past relationship, counselling in Singapore can help you process your emotions and move on at a pace that feels right to you.

This article covers five common reasons for missing an ex and some things that you can do to let go of someone you loved and move on.

‘Why Do I Miss My Ex?’: 5 Common Reasons and How to Let Go of Someone You Loved  

If you’ve been stuck in a loop wondering, ‘Why do I miss my ex?’, the sections below take you through five plausible reasons and offer practical tips on how to move on after a breakup:

Reason 1: Not Having Grieved the Loss of the Relationship 

Grief is our response to loss of any kind, including the loss of a relationship and a partner.

It is hard to heal from grief without first acknowledging its presence. Because heavier emotions often accompany grief, you may try to avoid feeling anything altogether. 

While such avoidant behaviour may seem helpful in the short term, it can make healing more difficult as time goes by, because your underlying thoughts and feelings remain unaddressed.

What You Can Do: Process Your Feelings 

Instead of avoiding or bottling up your feelings, acknowledge them and try opening up to a trusted friend or family member. Talking about your emotions can help you process and understand your experiences.

Some of us may feel worried about burdening the person we choose to confide in, feel like we’re gossiping about our ex or that they may take sides. In such instances, therapy is a common option. Counsellors at TYHO are trained to remain neutral and objective, ensuring a safe space for you to express your concerns.

Remember, there isn’t a wrong or right way to feel. Try asking yourself what exactly you miss. Do you miss:

• Your ex (the person)?
• The constant companionship?
• Being physically close to someone?
• Activities you both enjoyed together?
• Or is there something else about the relationship that you miss? 

When you find out what your current unmet need is, you can then find other ways to fulfil it.

Reason 2: Reminiscing Through Rose-Tinted Glasses

One possible reason why we might still miss an ex is that we reminisce only about the good times and overlook the less desirable aspects of the lost relationship. 

For instance, we might fondly recall how spontaneous our ex was on a trip together, and how fun that was.

Meanwhile, in reflecting on a past relationship, we may downplay or dismiss our ex’s tendency to be passive-aggressive, narcissistic or emotionally abusive.  

What You Can Do: Adopt a More Balanced Perspective

Instead of viewing everything through ‘rose-tinted glasses’, consider adopting a more balanced perspective of the lost relationship and your ex. No one is perfect, and no relationship is perfect. 

That being said, the idea here is not to convince yourself that the relationship was a terrible one. Instead, take a step back and assess the relationship more holistically and realistically, for everything that it was (and wasn’t). 

Some questions that you can ask yourself are:

• What were the things that went well?
• What were some things that did not go as well as you would have hoped?
• What possible reasons might have contributed to the end of the relationship?
• Are these reasons still relevant, or were they resolved?
• Is there anything you want to do differently in your next relationship?
• If an unbiased observer were to comment on your relationship, what might they say?
• If your friend were in a similar situation and came to you for advice, what would you tell them?

Reason 3: Losing Your Identity Along With the Lost Relationship

If a large part of your identity was intertwined with your relationship or your ex, a breakup may leave you missing your ex and feeling empty. 

It might even feel as though a part of you is gone. For example, if you and your ex had plans for the future together, the sudden loss of this future can be quite daunting.

What You Can Do: Spend Time on Things That Are Meaningful to You

Spend time on things that are meaningful to you, such as building up your sense of self. 

Ask yourself: 

• Who are you as an individual?
• How would friends or family members describe you?
• What activities did you enjoy before you got together with your ex?
• What values are important to you?
• How did these values come to be important to you?

You may also wish to focus on other aspects of your life, such as your hobbies or other relationships.

Reason 4: A Lack of Closure

Sometimes, constantly feeling ‘I miss my ex’ can be due to a lack of closure. For instance, we may have disagreed with the decision to break up in the first place or the reasons for the breakup. 

It is also possible that we were blindsided and never even saw the breakup coming. Some exes may not provide any reasons for the breakup. After the breakup, we may continue to think about it, trying to make sense of why it happened.

What You Can Do: Accept That Some Things in Life Will Be Out of Your Control

Many aspects of life are beyond our control, such as the actions of others. It can be helpful to remind ourselves of what is within our control and what is not.

In a breakup, for instance, asking why our ex wants to break up is something we can control, but whether an ex responds to that question, or how they choose to respond, is not within our control (no matter how hard we try).

Reminding ourselves of what is and isn’t within our control allows us to do what we can and acknowledge that the rest isn't within our control – much easier said than done, of course! And that’s where practice comes in handy.

Reason 5: Having Harsh Self-Expectations

At times, your struggle with missing an ex stems from your personal expectations of yourself. 

These expectations may be conscious or unconscious, such as ‘I should just get over it already’, ‘How can I still miss my ex?', ‘I should not miss my ex’ or ‘I can’t miss my ex after so long’.

What expectations might be present in your situation? Where could these expectations be coming from?

What You Can Do: Be Kinder to Yourself

Missing someone after a breakup is a normal and common experience that happens to everyone. It simply means that you had a real connection. 

It’s perfectly alright to give yourself time to heal and grieve the loss of the relationship. If the struggle persists over time, you may try talking to your loved ones or seeking counselling.

When we miss an ex, we might berate ourselves instead. Does the saying, ‘We are our own harshest critic’ resonate with you? If so, consider challenging yourself to be just as kind to yourself as you would be to a close friend or family member.
 

5 Breakup Recovery Strategies & Tips: How to Get Over an Ex and Move On

There are many ways to let go of someone you loved. It may take some trial and error to find the combination that works best for your mental health recovery. 

If you’ve been wondering, ‘how to stop missing my ex?’, this section lists some practical tips for moving on after a breakup:

1) Acknowledge Your Feelings

When unpleasant feelings arise, we may instinctively try to avoid, ignore or push them away. That does not make them disappear, though. They just remain buried within, waiting to surface again. 

Experiencing a variety of feelings is normal after a breakup. Therefore, instead of pretending that they do not exist or forcing yourself to think ‘I don’t miss my ex, ’ try to name the feeling and allow it to run its course.

2) Be Honest with Yourself

On top of acknowledging your feelings, being honest with yourself is also important. If you miss your ex, voice that thought aloud – ‘I miss my ex and that’s okay’.

In addition to that, here are some questions to ponder when trying to let go of someone you loved:

• If you initiated the breakup, what were your reasons?
• If your ex initiated the breakup, what makes it difficult for you to let go of the relationship?
• Were there any red flags that were ignored or downplayed? Eg: Narcissistic behaviour or cheating
• What issues remained unresolved until the very end?
• What are some of your needs right now? Other than letting go of the person.
• What can you do that might help you feel better?

3) Remember That Progress Is Not Always Linear

After a period of improvement where we see ourselves slowly moving on, it can be frustrating to experience setbacks, such as being emotionally affected when reminded once again of your ex. 

At times like these, it can be helpful to remember that progress is not always linear. We will have some better days and some not-so-good days, and that is perfectly normal.

4) Reduce Social Media Exposure if Needed

If the content you consume primarily consists of other couples hitting traditional milestones (eg engagements, weddings, baby showers, etc), it may be best to limit or avoid social media usage for a while. Peer pressure and FOMO can make it more difficult for you to move on.

If, however, what you see provides you with helpful information (such as uplifting quotes, trustworthy mental health resources, or videos about hobbies), then it might help in coping with your missing ex and moving on.
 

5) Seek Professional Help When Needed

At times when feelings seem overwhelming, an unbiased and non-judgmental perspective from a therapist can be helpful. 

However, if you or someone you know is experiencing thoughts of suicide, seek help immediately from your local suicide prevention hotline, such as the Samaritans of Singapore.

Takeaway

Missing an ex can result in unprocessed feelings such as sadness and loneliness. Common reasons you may miss your ex include grief, losing a part of your identity with the break-up, lack of closure, and self-imposed expectations.

To let go of someone you loved and move on after a breakup, try the breakup recovery strategies discussed in our blog.

Therapy can help you manage your emotions and find closure from your past relationship that may have affected you.

Explore Therapists at TYHO and start your journey towards letting go, healing and moving on. 💜

Frequently Asked Questions

1) Why do I miss my ex so much? What are some reasons I miss my ex? 

People miss their exes for various reasons, such as:

• Not grieving the loss of the relationship
• Viewing the lost relationship through rose-tinted glasses
• Losing your identity along with the lost relationship
• Lack of closure following the breakup
• Having harsh expectations of ourselves

2) Is it normal if I miss my ex? How long will I miss my ex? (eg I miss my ex after 2 years, I miss my ex many years later.)

Yes, it's normal to miss your ex after a breakup. After all, you both shared good times as well. 

There is no fixed timeline for how long you will miss your ex. Research shows that close bonds take time to fade. 

Also note that you may feel better on some days and not as well on others – this is all part of the healing process.

3) Why is it so difficult to let go of someone you loved?

If we have been in a long-term relationship with the same person, they would likely have become an integral part of our lifestyle and daily routines. 

It can thus be difficult to let go of someone we loved because our feelings towards a person generally don’t disappear overnight.

4) Is it normal to miss my ex when in a new relationship? My new partner found out I miss my ex!

It’s absolutely normal to miss your ex. However, if missing your ex is putting a strain on your current relationship or significantly affecting your life, explore support options like couples counselling.

5) I miss my ex so much, but I've found a way to get back together! I miss my ex and want to get back with them!

Many couples do get back together after a break-up. What is essential here is awareness of your own thoughts and feelings. 

What exactly did you miss – your ex, or companionship? What made you decide to get back together with your ex? What were some of the reasons that contributed to the breakup in the first place? Are those reasons still relevant, or have they been addressed?

6) I miss my ex so much - How to stop missing my ex? How to get over an ex? What to do when I miss my ex? What are some tips for coping with missing my ex?

Different people cope in different ways. Some things you can do when you miss your ex include:

• Processing your feelings
• Adopting a more holistic and realistic perspective of the lost relationship
• Focusing your time and energy on things that you find meaningful
• Spending time with friends and family
• Noticing what is and isn’t within your control
• Practising acceptance for things not within your control
• Being kinder to yourself and engaging in self-care
• See a professional counsellor