What do your quarrels with your partner have to do with mental health issues? A lot. Issues you have with your partner do not exist in isolation.
For example, if you have a big fight about who washes dishes daily, that frustration may seep into your work, family and other social dynamics. Hence, it’s no wonder that couples counselling in Singapore has become increasingly popular.
In this article, we put on our research hats to take you through four different types of couples counselling, four common techniques used in sessions, and the many benefits of couples counselling.
Couples counselling is a type of psychotherapy used for:
Here are some signs that show you may need couples counselling:
Research shows that couples counselling reduces conflicts and improves any accompanying emotional or physical health concerns. The benefits are further illustrated through the research participants’ self-reports and reflections on improved communication and compatibility.
Couples therapists may use several scientific approaches depending on the following:
Professionals may also use approaches like dialectical behaviour therapy and modulate it to suit the needs of a couple.
When looking for a relationship counsellor, it’s best to understand what types of therapy they may use and how they can help you. In this section, let’s review the four most common types of relationship counselling:
Relationship researcher John Gottman developed the Gottman Method. Through research, he found that even the happiest couples may experience conflicts.
The reality is that healthy conflicts can strengthen any relationship. However, whether the conflicts lead to a stronger or weaker bond depends on how the couple resolves the issue.
The Gottman Method helps couples remember why they’re in love and how to stay in love, and it provides tools to work towards shared couple goals.
The session may start with an assessment and help couples with:
This type of couples counselling follows seven structured steps. Each step helps couples learn how to interact with each other.
EFT for couples is a type of relationship counselling that focuses on improving communication and developing a secure attachment with each other.
Attachment styles are formed when the brain adapts to the millions of patterns in one's relationship history.
For example, consider if you tend to give silent treatment (ie refusing to talk) to your partner whenever you’re upset. You will then begin to use the same technique every single time, regardless of the severity of the problem.
Continuing to use the same negative patterns of avoidance can cause significant distress in the relationship and weaken the bond you share with your loved one.
Through EFT, a couples therapist may help you:
CBT is an approach used in both individual and couples counselling in Singapore.
The therapy involves a mix of cognitions and behaviours, helping you understand how they interact with each other.
For example, consider that you are terrified of not doing a perfect job at work. Your fear may prevent you from even starting a task, leading to procrastination. Fear, which controls your thinking patterns (ie cognitions), may affect your behaviour in a negative way, such as by avoiding work or losing opportunities.
However, you can reframe your thinking patterns through CBT, thereby leading to positive behaviours. These negative thought patterns are also known as cognitive distortions. Some of these are catastrophising, generalising, and mind-reading.
Any cognitive distortion can affect your relationship. Hence, a couples therapist may use tools to spot these patterns and train your mind to replace them with rational ways of thinking.
Behavioural couples therapy (BCT) was developed to address issues such as addiction or drug use. The goal of BCT is to help couples with addiction and improve their relationship through acceptance and change.
Here are some common goals of couples counselling in general and BCT in particular:
Couples may also need to complete any assigned therapy homework. Homework includes practical and step-by-step guidance on building essential relationship skills.
A core element of BCT is the recovery contract. The ‘contract’ includes rituals to reward oneself or a partner for abstinence.
Some techniques to practice recovery contracts include:
In interpersonal relationships, it can be challenging to accurately judge or fully understand what the other person is saying or feeling. At these times, we may mind-read and assume their intentions (also known as the cognitive distortion called mind-reading).
Our negative beliefs about the person or ourselves may affect how we engage in the relationship.
If you’re wondering how couples counselling works, here’s a CBT exercise that your counsellor may use to help you alter and replace these distortions with rational thoughts:
Our thoughts follow a sequence known as the cognitive model:
Situation: A conflict occurs
Thoughts: You have automatic negative thoughts
Emotions: The thoughts lead to negative emotions
Response: You respond negatively to the situation based on your thoughts and feelings
Situation: You surprise your partner by cleaning their room, but your partner doesn’t notice or show their appreciation for your effort
Thoughts: You may immediately think, ‘They don’t care about me’
Emotions: You may feel hurt, upset, angry, or sad
Response: You give your partner the silent treatment without explaining why you’re upset
Whenever you have a conflict with your partner, try using the above model to note down your experience. The exercise may help you identify gaps in your thinking or emotions automatically.
So, what happens in couples counselling? Similar to the above exercise, you may engage in various activities and complete homework throughout couples counselling.
One of the primary goals of couples counselling is to help you break free from negative patterns in your thinking, emotions, and behaviour.
Let’s look at some common couples counselling techniques used in Singapore:
Affect regulation may teach you how to process and regulate your emotions.
When we’re feeling intense emotions like anger in a relationship, it’s often easy to put away years of hard work by using hurtful language or behaviour.
Hence, protecting your relationship from these bursts of emotions is important.
One example of an affect regulation technique is grounding.
During sessions, you may learn to move away from overwhelming negative feelings or memories. The idea is to shift your focus from the stressor (eg anger) to the external environment. To do so, you can identify five objects in the room that are blue, step out of the situation by walking in the sun, or observe four different kinds of smells.
Tracking is a technique commonly used in almost all types of couples counselling.
Only through tracking your response patterns can you truly change them. It’s also essential to gain an understanding of your patterns.
If you’re constantly sad in a relationship, why are you feeling that way? Have you ever been in a heartbreaking relationship? Does it stem from your negative childhood experiences? Do you have parents who constantly gaslight you?
These are some of the questions you may explore during couples counselling sessions. To track patterns, the therapist may ask you to describe situations to create ‘pictures’ of the events.
When you watch a movie, it’s quite easy to understand where everything went wrong. The idea is similar. Your ‘picture’ is then explored and analysed to establish new patterns.
Circular questions are commonly used in EFT and behavioural couples counselling.
Couples counsellors may explore both your and your partner’s viewpoints based on these questions.
The characteristics of these questions should:
Love maps are a technique used in Gottman’s Method. The primary goal of these maps is to get to know one another as thoroughly as possible.
Think of it this way: When you’re in a relationship, you’re handing over your emotional and cognitive map to your partner. This map allows them to navigate what actions make you feel a certain way and vice versa.
Your inner world, however, is complex and constantly changing. Hence, love maps are taught as long-term skills that can be used throughout life.
As your directions and emotions change, so does the navigation on the map. To build your love maps, the couples therapist may ask both of you several questions. You may get to know your partner better as you keep writing answers to these questions.
Despite common misconceptions, relationship counselling is not only for couples who are struggling. Below are some proactive skills that you and your partner can learn during couples counselling:
What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think of boundaries?
Most people may imagine an actual wall – something too rigid and inflexible. However, setting boundaries in relationships is more like a memory foam – firm enough to support you but flexible enough to adapt to the shape of your needs.
For example, let’s say one partner needs some alone time to recover from a busy work week, while the other craves some quality time together. Without boundaries, the difference in preferences may lead to misunderstanding or unhealthy arguments.
In relationship counselling, however, you may learn that it’s okay, and even necessary, to communicate the differences clearly.
Here’s the tricky aspect of communication in relationships: We all think we communicate clearly until we’re in the middle of a heated argument.
When you’re angry in a relationship, it can be so easy to:
In couples counselling, you may learn how to:
Here’s a classic conflict that many couples may face:
Your partner arrives home late but forgets to let you know. You may say, ‘You’re always late. You don’t care about me as much as you used to.’
Here’s how it may play out:
Your partner may feel accused and become defensive. They may reply, ‘I have my own life. Can you stop overreacting?’
Thereby, you feel hurt and unloved.
During couples counselling, you may learn to reframe your thoughts and emotions better. Like:
Expressing feelings: ‘I feel anxious when you’re late and if I don’t hear from you.’
Expressing requests: ‘Next time, if you’re running late, can you send a quick message? I will do the same when I’m late, too.’
Conflicts are inevitable. In fact, conflicts are part of any healthy relationship. Rather than trying to avoid them, we may need to learn how to solve them in a healthy way.
Couples counselling may provide specific tools to help couples build conflict resolution skills. Some things you can learn include:
Couples counselling helps partners resolve conflicts, improve communication and strengthen their bond.
Here are some key takeaways from our blog:
Effective relationship counselling focuses on identifying and changing negative patterns in interaction.
The four common types of couples counselling are the Gottman Method, EFT, CBT for couples, and behavioural couples therapy.
The four common techniques used during sessions are affect regulation, tracking patterns, circular questions, and building love maps.
There are many benefits of couples counselling, such as setting healthy boundaries, improving communication skills, and developing effective conflict resolution strategies.
In short, couples counselling works. Devoting dedicated and non-negotiable time and effort to each other can transform your relationship and bring you closer together than ever!
If you’re ready to get started on this journey with your partner, explore TYHO couples counsellors in Singapore 💜
If you are in crisis, or another person may be in danger, do not use this site. Please refer to these resources instead.
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