Are You in a Relationship With a Narcissist? Here Are 5 Common Patterns
- 23 March 2023
Are you starting to feel like you are always walking on eggshells around your partner? Do you feel like you are constantly walking into a trap and can’t seem to escape it? If so, you may have noticed some sort of narcissistic relationship pattern in the way they behave.
A grandiose sense of egotism, a lack of empathy, and a constant need for attention and admiration are common characteristics of narcissists. Unfortunately, a relationship with a narcissist can be incredibly challenging, leaving you feeling depleted, unfulfilled, and trapped.
In this article, we will dive deeper into what a narcissist is and how to tell if you are in a narcissistic relationship. We will also discuss five common patterns narcissists tend to display in their relationships and how narcissism affects relationships. Finally, we will give you some tips on how to deal with a narcissistic partner and keep yourself safe.
Keep reading if you are struggling in a relationship and suspect your partner may be a narcissist. This article may provide some insights into your relationship dynamics!
What Is a Narcissist?
When we hear the term “narcissist,” we may think of someone who is obsessed with their appearance or self-importance. But narcissism goes much deeper than that. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a complex condition that affects a person’s entire life. People with NPD have an inflated sense of self-importance and an insatiable need for admiration and praise.
Criticism can make narcissistic individuals feel threatened, causing them to become aggressive. As a result, they lack empathy and struggle to relate to others. They can also melt down and experience intense feelings of shame, guilt, and depression if they do not receive external positive reinforcement.
Those with NPD consider themselves exceptional and unmatched compared to others and anticipate being acknowledged and treated accordingly. Hence, they often disregard the views and needs of others and dismiss the latter’s concerns. The standard classification of mental disorders, DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), has outlined 9 criteria for NPD. However, it specifies that an individual only needs to fulfil 5 of them to be clinically diagnosed as a narcissist.
Why Do People Become Narcissistic?
The causes of narcissism are complex and often linked to childhood experiences. For example, narcissistic parents who alternate between emotional hunger (eg depriving their child of affection) and disinterest can teach a child to crave an unhealthy amount of attention and affirmation.
An inflated self-esteem is a component of the “anti-self,” which includes highly self-hating and self-demeaning “critical inner voices.” Narcissists are very fragile; even slight criticism can lead to narcissistic injuries, which refers to the emotional distress narcissists experience when they encounter criticism, angry outbursts, and attempts to restore their fragile, absurdly high self-esteem. For instance, they may resort to making derogatory comments frequently to regain their superiority complex.
How Do Narcissists Treat Their Partners?
Narcissists are often tricky to spot in relationships. They are notorious for needing control, making it incredibly difficult for their partners to feel safe or confident in a long-term relationship. They may also manipulate a partner into doing what they want through emotional abuse, lying, and gaslighting. Therefore, it is crucial to recognise a narcissistic relationship pattern early to safeguard yourself.
Narcissists see their partners as an extension of themselves and may belittle or dismiss their partner’s feelings and needs while demanding constant attention and validation. As a result, narcissistic partners may be prone to infidelity or abruptly break off the relationship if they feel they are not getting the special treatment they feel entitled to.
How Many Types of Narcissistic Personalities Are There?
While all narcissists share certain behaviours, there are two main types of narcissism: Grandiose Narcissism and Vulnerable Narcissism.
Grandiose narcissists display high levels of arrogance, aggression, and dominance. They are often elitists, expect special treatment, and tend to be more assured and less sensitive. They believe they are superior to others and have no problem telling people how amazing they are. Grandiose narcissists often have a sense of entitlement and a need for excessive admiration.
Vulnerable narcissists, on the other hand, are more emotionally sensitive and have a fragile grandiosity that serves as a façade protecting deeper feelings of inadequacy and incompetence. They may swing back and forth between feeling superior and inferior and worry about how their partner perceives them. This form of narcissism usually develops in early childhood as a coping strategy to deal with abuse or neglect.
In relationships, one with grandiose narcissism may demand constant praise and attention from their significant other and become angry or hostile if their partner does not fulfil their expectations.
Conversely, one with vulnerable narcissism may have a deep need for validation and may become excessively dependent on their partner for emotional support and reassurance. For example, a partner with vulnerable narcissism may become extremely jealous or possessive of their significant other, frequently checking their phone or social media accounts for signs of infidelity or rejection. They may also become clingy or demanding, constantly seeking reassurance from their partner.
Can a Narcissist Stay in Love?
A narcissist can fall in love, but it may not be healthy or lasting. This is because they see the people in their lives as things that exist to fulfil their needs in many ways. Consequently, they have no qualms about taking advantage of others to further their goals.
While this interpersonal exploitation is occasionally malicious, it is frequently just careless. Simply put, narcissists are unaware of how their actions affect other people. Even if you point it out, they won’t necessarily understand it. They only comprehend what they need for themselves. Therefore, when their partner’s needs create a conflict, the relationship may become strained or end abruptly.
How Can You Tell if You Are in a Narcissistic Relationship?
When it comes to narcissism, people often joke about knowing someone who talks endlessly about themselves. If your partner always seeks attention and affirmation and only cares about themselves, they may be a narcissist. Additionally, some common narcissistic love patterns include being overly sensitive to criticism or easily offended by comments made about them.
While approximately 1% of the population suffers from NPD, many individuals with the disorder remain undiagnosed due to not seeking treatment. In addition, research suggests that men are more prone to narcissism, with 75% of those diagnosed with NPD being men.
Yet, having self-centred or narcissistic traits does not necessarily indicate a personality disorder. An increasing number of people exhibit harmful, narcissistic relationship patterns that negatively impact their lives and those around them, but do not meet the clinical diagnosis of NPD. Having relationships with such individuals can lead to significant distress that is similar to being in a clinically diagnosed narcissistic relationship.
Narcissistic people generally dislike being told they are narcissistic and may even respond with harmful or explosive reactions.
Below are some common habits and traits of a partner in a narcissistic relationship, with varying degrees of expression depending on the individual:
feeling entitled or superior;
having a lack of empathy;
being manipulative or engaging in controlling behaviour;
having a strong desire for admiration;
- focusing only on one’s own needs while neglecting those of others
displaying highly aggressive behaviour; and
- struggling to handle feedback about their actions.
5 Common Narcissistic Relationship Patterns
1. Love bombing
One of the most common narcissistic relationship patterns is “love bombing.” This refers to a manipulative tactic used by a narcissist in the early stages of a relationship. In this pattern, the narcissist showers their partner with extravagant displays of affection, often to gain love and trust.
During the love bombing stage, the narcissist says just the right things, making their partner feel special and loved. The relationship may feel perfect, almost too good to be true. For example, the narcissist may be quick to say, “I love you,” and everything may feel grand and over-the-top.
Desiring to be the hero, narcissists treat their partner like a queen or king. However, they may treat others poorly, prioritising their relationships and needs above everything else.
If you notice love bombing in a new relationship, you might want to step back and evaluate the situation. While feeling excited and happy in a new relationship is normal, if the intensity of affection feels overwhelming and almost too perfect, it could be a red flag of a narcissistic love pattern.
2. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a typical narcissistic relationship pattern that involves manipulating a partner’s perception of reality. Narcissists can use it to protect their egos, maintain control, and feel superior over others. This form of abuse is often used in the devaluing stage of the relationship after the narcissist has used love bombing and other tactics to gain trust.
In gaslighting, a narcissist intentionally creates doubt and confusion in their partner by distorting the truth or denying things they have said or done. This can lead to the partner questioning their memory, perception, and even their sanity. As a result, the partner may begin to rely on the narcissist to clarify situations, creating a sense of dependence on the abuser.
Gaslighting can severely affect the other party’s mental health and wellbeing. If you feel like you are being gaslit in a relationship, you may find it helpful to seek support from a professional counsellor or trusted friend to regain your sense of identity.
3. Extreme self-importance
Self-importance is also commonly seen in narcissistic relationships. People with NPD often have an inflated sense of self-importance. They may embellish their talents and exaggerate their accomplishments to gain admiration and adoration from others. Such behaviour helps them feel better and more intelligent than others and allows them to create a self-assured appearance.
In a relationship, the narcissistic individual will only show interest and engage in a conversation when it benefits them or fulfils their needs. Most times, they are too self-involved to listen to their partner and show little interest in learning more about them. For instance, they may not listen intently or ask follow-up questions when the latter speaks. This can leave the partner feeling unimportant, unseen, and unheard. Recognising this unhealthy pattern and seeking help to set boundaries or end the relationship is important.
4. Initial charm
When you are involved with a narcissist, the beginning can often feel like a fairy tale. They may play the role of the perfect partner in the first few weeks, making you feel like you are the most special person in the world. Some classic examples of narcissist dating patterns are showering you with compliments and being attuned to your likes and dislikes.
According to experts, people with NPD believe they deserve to be with someone special who can fully appreciate them. As a result, they may try to create superficial connections early on in a relationship to gain your trust and admiration.
However, as time passes, you may begin to see a different side of the narcissist. They may start to prioritise their needs over yours, belittle you, or become emotionally distant. It is essential to be wary if someone comes on too strong at the beginning of a relationship, as a relationship tends to involve consistent effort and takes time to grow and develop.
If you feel like they don’t really know you well enough to love you, or if it feels too early for them to express such strong feelings, then trust your instincts. These vulnerable narcissistic relationship patterns can be damaging in the long run.
5. Abuse
Unfortunately, abuse can be part of a narcissistic relationship pattern. People with NPD often employ various forms of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse to control their partners. For example, they may build their partner up with excessive praise and attention, only to tear them down with verbal attacks and emotional assaults when their partner no longer meets their unrealistic expectations.
Narcissists may use physical harm to maintain their dominance and keep their partner in a position of submission. Therefore, it is crucial to recognise the signs of abuse in a narcissistic relationship and seek support if you or somebody you know is experiencing it.
Abuse is unacceptable and can have long-lasting effects on a person’s mental health and wellbeing. It is crucial to prioritise your safety and seek support from a trained trauma therapist who can help you navigate this difficult situation. Remember, you deserve kindness and respect in all your relationships; never tolerate abuse.
How Long Does a Narcissist Relationship Last?
Narcissistic relationships tend to be unstable and short-term, especially if the other partner recognises and leaves the relationship early on. In the beginning, narcissistic partners can be very captivating and charming. Over time, though, their controlling and manipulative behaviour can become too much for the other partner to handle.
When narcissistic injuries occur, narcissistic partners may lash out with dramatic and attention-seeking reactions. As a result, many people describe a passionate and exciting honeymoon period in the beginning and a sharp decline as the likability decreases and the self-centred behaviours increase.
How Does Narcissism Affect Relationships?
Narcissistic partners often lack empathy for their partner’s feelings and may only see them in terms of how they fill their needs or fail to do so. This can leave the other partner feeling unimportant and lonely. They may also feel like they are constantly defending themselves or identifying with the negative self-image their partner has of them.
If you are stuck in a narcissistic relationship pattern and decide to leave, taking steps to protect yourself is essential. A narcissistic partner may try to contact and harass you after the rejection, so blocking them can be helpful. Remember that this article does not serve to help you diagnose your partner but to identify and manage unacceptable behaviours and reactions in the context of a loving and equitable partnership.
What Can a Person Do to Deal With a Narcissistic Partner?
Being in a relationship with a narcissistic partner can be a challenging and emotionally draining experience. If you find yourself in this situation, there are a couple of things you can do:
Read up more about NPD
This allows you to recognise the fragility of your partner’s self-esteem, understand why they may behave the way they do, and learn how to handle them better. It also makes it easier for you to detach yourself from any hurtful remarks or actions you receive.
Set clear boundaries and stick to them
Challenging yourself to change your part of the dynamic can encourage your partner to change their style of relating. For instance, if your partner often demands that you spend all your time with them, try communicating your schedule and letting them know that you are only available on certain days of the week.
Build your support network
It can sometimes be tough to deal with the difficulties in your relationship all on your own. Turning to your loved ones for comfort and support provides you with an emotional outlet and helps you feel less isolated. Consider practising self-compassion too.
In conclusion, it can be a difficult and emotionally taxing experience to be in a relationship with a narcissistic partner. Besides learning to spot any narcissistic relationship pattern, understanding your position in the relationship is crucial. Take care!
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