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Month: September 2022

Deep Questions to Ask to Truly Get to Know Someone

Posted on by TYHO Team

Learn how to have meaningful conversations in therapy

Connect with a therapist
  • Updated on 27 June 2024

Have you ever wanted to get to know a person better, but struggled to find the right words? “How’s your day?” sounds too routine and effortless while “Where do you see yourself in ten years?” gives off interview vibes. Fret not – this article dives into a variety of deep questions to ask someone to improve interpersonal closeness. There are questions that have helped participants in a well-known experiment to feel closer to each other, as well as questions that you may ask a loved one or friend to build closer bonds with them. The article then concludes with some final tips for you to think about before starting such conversations.

This Article Contains:

Deep Questions from a Research Study on Interpersonal Closeness

In 1997, researcher Arthur Aron and his team conducted what is now a famous experiment aimed at generating interpersonal closeness. Over 45 minutes, some participants were tasked to engage in small talk, while others were asked to take part in self-disclosure talk. The study demonstrated that people felt closer to one another after self-disclosure, as compared to small talk. What made this study so interesting and popular was the list of questions provided for the self-disclosure task (as opposed to the small talk task). There were 36 questions in total, which were divided into three sets of 13 questions each, with increasing levels of self-disclosure required from participants. People were fascinated at the idea that these lists of questions could help them to feel closer to someone else. The three sets of questions are as follows:

First Set of Questions

  1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
  2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
  3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
  4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
  5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
  6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
  7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
  8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
  9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
  10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
  11. Take 4 minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
  12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Second Set of Questions

  1. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
  2. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
  3. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
  4. What do you value most in a friendship?
  5. What is your most treasured memory?
  6. What is your most terrible memory?
  7. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
  8. What does friendship mean to you?
  9. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
  10. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of 5 items.
  11. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
  12. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Third Set of Questions

  1. Make 3 true “we” statements each. For instance “We are both in this room feeling…”
  2. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”
  3. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
  4. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
  5. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
  6. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
  7. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
  8. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
  9. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
  10. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
  11. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
  12. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

It is noteworthy that as the pairs of participants in the study asked each other the self-disclosure questions, they both had to answer each question. In other words, it was neither a one-way street nor a question-and-answer session in which only one party had to divulge information. This makes sense – it is often easier to share our true thoughts or feelings with someone when they have demonstrated the same vulnerability with us.

Also, while these questions may be helpful conversation starters, it is important to keep in mind that this experiment was conducted in a laboratory setting, and it was not the study’s aim to explore interpersonal closeness in romantic relationships over time.

Deep Questions to Ask

Other Deep Questions to Ask a Loved One or Friend

Given that the 36 questions above resulted in interpersonal closeness among participants in a research setting, you might be wondering what are some other deep questions to ask someone you are already acquainted with, such as a romantic partner or close friend. It might even feel like you have exhausted all the conversation topics you can think of. If this is you, here are some suggestions that you may wish to try.

How do you define success?

There are various definitions of what it means to succeed. Success can be anything from money and status symbols to having children and teaching them specific values. They can also be having good work-life balance, for example. None are right or wrong; they are just different. It can, however, be insightful to get a sense of how aligned your benchmarks of success are, especially if this is someone with whom you are planning a future.

What makes you feel loved?

What we think we know about our partner’s needs may not always be accurate. For instance, instead of the standard chocolates and flowers, our partner might have appreciated it more if we had simply put our mobile phone away and truly focused on what they were saying. Instead of assuming or guessing what your partner needs, why not ask them directly what makes them feel loved? We all have various preferences after all. Their answer might even surprise you.

How do you manage your emotions, especially the “heavier” ones?

Each of us may have a different combination of coping strategies which we engage in consciously or unconsciously. Some common examples include exercising, taking a walk in nature, listening to music, confiding in family or close friends, managing one’s expectations, and having regular online therapy sessions.

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In general, how do you think conflicts between family members should be resolved?

This question might also provide you with more information on how comfortable a person is with managing difficult emotions. Most of us dislike conflict and find it uncomfortable – the difference lies in how we respond when it occurs. Do we address it assertively (eg talking calmly, being mindful of everyone’s needs), or do we engage in aggressive (eg shouting, demanding), passive (eg avoiding conflict at all costs), or passive aggressive (eg using guilt trips) behaviours?

What are three values that you find most important in life? How did these values make it to the top of your list?

Given that everyone has different priorities in life, it might be interesting to explore how your partner’s experiences have shaped their value system over time. This question may also lead to some “aha” moments as you begin to understand why some things might seem to mean more to your partner or friend. For example, if a person highly values respect for others’ time, then having to meet someone who is habitually (and unapologetically) late can be a very frustrating experience, even if the person is only slightly late.

Ideally, how would you like the people closest to you to describe you?

Human beings are hardwired for social connection. As such, most of us want to know that we have had an impact on those around us, and that we matter.

What do you like best about me?

You can take this question one step further by going beyond the obvious physical qualities of a person. Aside from those, what does your partner or friend like most about you? It could be a habit of yours, something about the way you communicate with them, how you treat others, or one of the values you hold dear, for instance. This question also gives you a sense of what is important to the other person.

What are some boundaries that you think are important to set in life?

There are many different types of boundaries, such as physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual, financial, intellectual, time, and material boundaries. Some of us might have started setting boundaries earlier in life, while this process may have only been started later for others. People have also got varied ways of implementing and communicating their own boundaries. 

So far, what is one of your happiest memories in life?

It can be so easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life that the good times slip our mind. This is a lighter question that can bring back some nostalgia.

If there was one thing you could change about yourself, what would it be?

Once again, you can take the question to a deeper level by moving beyond physical attributes. What underlying struggles, hopes, or dreams might there be, behind this question?

Deep Questions to Ask

Who inspires you most in life?

This can be someone they know in real life, a famous person they have heard of, or even a fictional character from books or movies. What makes this individual stand out to them, among the billions of others whom they could have chosen from?

Can you tell me about a time when you laughed until you cried? What happened then?

This is another light-hearted question to mix things up and add some laughter. It could be a memorable moment from their childhood, or as recent as this week. Your list of deep questions to ask someone need not always be solemn. A good balance of questions may help the other party open up more easily. 

What is a pet peeve of yours and why?

We all have pet peeves; they are perfectly normal. These can be anything from being stuck behind slow-moving people at peak hour to blatant queue cutting. Sometimes, without realising it, the smallest things can annoy us the most – another common experience.

What are some of your couple goals?

While each relationship is unique, this question may spark some ideas about couple goals that your partner and you might want to work towards in the future. What would the both of you like to see in your relationship? How might you be able to achieve that?

What are some quotes that are memorable to you?

Our favourite quotes may be from philosophers, movies, books, TV. They may even be things that our loved ones have said to us that left an impact.

In general, what are your thoughts about expressing emotions?

This is where family upbringing, culture, and one’s own individuality intersect. In some families, children may have been taught how to acknowledge and explore their feelings. Adults in the household may also have modelled such habits for children to learn from.

On the other hand, some of us may have grown up in households where emotions, particularly the more difficult ones, were buried deep and not talked about at all costs. There may also have been expectations about how much we could tell others about the ongoings within the family; “don’t wash your dirty laundry in public” is one such example. Gender may also play a role, if children were brought up to believe that “boys don’t cry”, for instance.

What energises you?

Well, other than coffee, that is. It might be a long-forgotten hobby, a sport, catching up with good friends, certain types of music or art, laughing at a pet’s silly antics, or anything else that gets you into a state of flow. A state of flow occurs when a person is fully immersed in what they are doing, or as they say, is “in the zone”.

If you could give advice to the you of 10 years ago, what would it be?

This is a slightly more interesting way of asking about what someone has learned about themselves that they did not know 10 years ago.

How can I be a better partner or friend to you?

None of us are perfect and there is always room for improvement. It takes courage and humility to ask this question. Exercise your own judgement when deciding what you would like to do next, with the answer to this question. Are their expectations of you realistic? Is there any part of what they said that struck a chord with you, that you would like to improve on?

What are your thoughts about seeking help from others when you need it?

Many of us would gladly offer help to our loved ones but are less willing to ask for help when we need it ourselves. If this is the case, what might be some reasons behind the double standard? Perhaps some of us may fear being a “burden” to others, or we might be afraid that seeking help makes us appear weak. On the contrary, it takes great courage to seek professional therapy or ask for support from those around us when we need it.

Some Final Tips

As you start selecting which deep questions to ask your loved one or friend, you might want to keep some of the following tips in mind:

Choose an Appropriate Time and Place

Before you jump into the conversation, consider the other person’s needs at that moment. For instance, take note if the individual you are asking is preoccupied with something else. Are they calm and relaxed, or multi-tasking and completing their work? It also makes a difference if you ask the questions privately, as compared to in front of other people. In a group setting, asking general questions such as how a person’s day went may be more appropriate than deeper questions about conflict resolution, for example.

Consider Starting With Your Own Self-Disclosure

Most of us do not like being interrogated with a long string of questions. It might even remind us of the dynamic between a teacher and student or a police officer and suspect. To even out the power differential, consider sharing some of your own answers before diving into your pool of deep questions to ask. You may also increase the level of safety by adding at the start that they always have the option of skipping any questions that they do not wish to answer. Basically, respecting the other person’s autonomy and creating a safe space to share is key.

Pick Questions That Are Relevant to the Situation

It might seem obvious, but this list of deep questions to ask someone is not a one-size-fits-all list. It can be helpful to start from a place of genuine curiosity. For instance, what would you like to know about the most? Feel free to use some of these questions as conversation starters and add on as the discussion unfolds. Likewise, you might want to hold off on asking all your questions in one go.

Be Mindful of How the Other Person Might Be Feeling

As you go along, take note of both what they are saying, as well as their body language. Are the questions making them appear uncomfortable, withdrawn, defensive, engaged, amused, or something else? You can also check in with them as the conversation goes, by asking them about their experience of the questions thus far.

Deep Questions to Ask your friend

Listen to What the Other Person Has to Say

At times, this might mean that they do not wish to answer any questions at all, and that is their choice. We can either respect their decision, or gently ask if there is anything that we can do to make them feel more comfortable. If they do decide to answer the questions, however, give them the time and space to share. Try to avoid poor listening habits. For example, listen to what they have to say instead of thinking about what you would like to ask next.

Takeaway

To truly get to know someone better, there are countless deep questions you can ask about the person’s dreams, hopes, struggles, coping mechanisms, memories, relationships, thoughts about life, and so on.

Conversations may be about the past, present, or future. Ultimately, selecting questions that are relevant to your situation, coupled with a sense of genuine curiosity and your own honest self-disclosure, may pave the way for more meaningful conversations. Which question would you start with? All the best!

Why Do I Miss My Ex? 5 Common Reasons and How to Stop

Posted on by shilpa

Therapy can help you heal from a breakup & move on from your ex

Speak with a qualified therapist
  • Updated on 21 June 2024

Thinking “I miss my ex” can sometimes lead to a spiral of uninvited thoughts and feelings about a past relationship. Perhaps there is sadness and regret about what was lost or curiosity about what could have been. You might long to be back in a relationship with your ex, and perhaps you might be wondering if your ex feels the same way. Missing an ex is a normal and universal experience. At the same time, everyone heals from a breakup in their own way and in their own time. This article covers five common reasons for missing an ex, and some things that you can do to help yourself cope better.

This Article Contains:

“I Miss My Ex”: 5 Common Reasons and How to Stop

Reason 1: Not Having Grieved the Loss of the Relationship 

Mention grief and loss, and people tend to think of losing a loved one through death. There are, however, various other losses that one may have experienced. These include the loss of a childhood home, the loss of a friendship, the loss of a job, and more to the point of this article, the loss of a romantic relationship or a breakup. Grief is our response to loss.

It is hard to heal from grief without first acknowledging it’s presence. Because grief is often accompanied by heavier emotions such as anger and sadness, people sometimes try to avoid feeling anything altogether. This can be through alcohol, video games, or other escapist behaviours. While such avoidant behaviour may seem helpful in the short term, it can make healing more difficult as time goes by, because your underlying thoughts and feelings remain unaddressed.

On the flipside, it can also be difficult to grieve the loss of a relationship if you are still keeping tabs on your ex on social media. It can be difficult to move on from missing your ex when you are constantly seeing updates about their life.

What You Can Do: Process Your Feelings 

Instead of avoiding your feelings or bottling them up, talk through them with a trusted friend or family member. Talking about your emotions can help to make you more aware of what you are experiencing.

Some of us may feel that we might be burdening those around us, while others may feel as though they are gossiping about their ex, which they would prefer not to do. There could also be the worry that the person we choose to confide in may take sides. In such instances, therapy is a common option. Professional Singaporean therapists and psychologists at TYHO are trained to be neutral and objective, and to hold a safe space for you to air your concerns.

Different people grieve in different ways; there isn’t a wrong or right way to feel. Feelings are  your body’s way of signaling to you cues about yourself and your situation. As you start to become more aware of your thoughts and feelings, one thing you can do is to ask yourself what exactly it is that you miss. Do you miss your ex (the person)? The constant companionship? Being physically close to someone? The activities you both enjoyed together? Or is there something else about the relationship that you miss? When you find out what your current unmet need is, you can then find other ways to fulfil that same need.

Reason 2: Reminiscing Through Rose-Tinted Glasses

One possible reason why we might still miss an ex is that we reminisce only the good times and overlook the less desirable aspects of the lost relationship. In other words, we view the lost relationship through “rose-tinted glasses”. For instance, we might fondly recall how spontaneous our ex was on a trip together, and how much fun that was. Meanwhile, in reflecting about a past relationship, we may downplay or dismiss our ex’s tendency to frequently behave poorly and being passive aggressive or emotionally abusive.  

What You Can Do: Adopt a More Balanced Perspective

Instead of being swayed by the good memories, consider adopting a more balanced perspective of the lost relationship and your ex. No one is perfect, and no relationship is perfect. That being said, the idea here is not to convince yourself that the relationship was a terrible one. After all, you had your reasons for choosing to be in the relationship in the first place. You know that there were desirable aspects of your ex and your relationship.

Rather, the gist of it is to take a step back and assess the entire relationship more holistically and realistically, for everything that it was (and was not). What were the things that went well? What were some things that did not go as well as you would have hoped? What possible reasons might have contributed to the end of the relationship? Are these reasons still relevant, or were they resolved? Is there anything you might want to do differently in your next relationship? If an unbiased observer were to comment on your relationship, what do you think they might say? If your friend was in a similar situation and came to you for advice, what might you tell them?

Unpacking these questions allows you to arrive at a more objective understanding of your past relationship, as well as consciously single out elements you would not want to repeat in your next relationship.

Looking at things from a balanced perspective helps us to recognise the merits and flaws in the relationship objectively.

Reason 3: Losing Your Identity Along With the Lost Relationship

If a large part of your identity was intertwined with your relationship or your ex, a breakup may leave you missing your ex and feeling empty. It might even feel as though a part of yourself is gone. For example, if you and your ex had plans for the future together, the sudden loss of this imagined future can be quite daunting.

What You Can Do: Spend Time on Things That Are Meaningful to You

Spend time on things that are meaningful to you. This may include building up your sense of self. For instance, who are you as an individual? How would friends or family members describe you? What activities did you enjoy before you got together with your ex? What values are important to you? How did these values come to be important to you?

You may also wish to focus on other aspects of your life. This may include engaging in your hobbies or spending time with those who matter to you.

Therapy can help you heal from a breakup & move on from your ex

Speak with a qualified therapist

Reason 4: A Lack of Closure

Sometimes, we might still miss our ex due to a lack of closure following the breakup. For instance, we may have disagreed with the decision to break up in the first place, or the reasons for the breakup. It is also possible that we were blindsided and never even saw the breakup coming. Some exes may decide not to provide any reasons for the breakup. Imagine the shock and confusion! After the breakup, we may keep thinking about the breakup and trying to make sense of why it happened.

What You Can Do: Accept That Some Things in Life Will Be Out of Your Control

There will be many things in life that are out of our control. Generally, this includes what other people choose to say or do (or not). It can be helpful to remind ourselves of what is within our control and what is not within our control.

In a breakup, for instance, asking why our ex has decided on a breakup is something we can control, but whether an ex wants to respond to that question, or how they choose to respond, is not within our control (no matter how hard we try).

Reminding ourselves of what is and is not within our control allows us to do what we can and acknowledge that the rest is not up to us. Being able to accept that some things are out of our control can contribute greatly to healing. Much easier said than done, of course! This is where practice comes in handy.

 Reason 5: Having Harsh Self-Expectations

At times, our struggle with missing an ex stems from our own expectations of ourselves. These expectations may be conscious or unconscious. Examples include expecting ourselves to “just get over it already”, or that we “should not” or “must not” miss an ex, for example. We may also have expectations of how fast we “should” move on from missing an ex. What expectations might be present in your situation? Where could these expectations be coming from?

What You Can Do: Be Kinder to Yourself

Missing someone after a breakup is normal and happens all the time. It simply means that you had a real connection that meant something to you. It is perfectly alright to give yourself time to heal and grieve the loss of the relationship. If the struggle does not subside with time, allow yourself to confide in your loved ones, or to seek professional help. People seek professional psychotherapy for all sorts of reasons – struggling with missing an ex is no exception. However, if your feelings ever get too overwhelming, or you feel hopeless or helpless, reach out to your local suicide crisis hotline for more immediate support.

Many people tend to be nicer towards others than they are to themselves. For instance, when a friend has gone through a breakup and is missing an ex, we might be kind, gentle, and patient with them. However, when we miss an ex, we might berate ourselves instead. Does the saying, “We are our own harshest critic” resonate with you? If so, consider challenging yourself to be as kind with yourself, as you would be to a close friend or family member.

Missing an ex may bring about negative feelings, and finding the root of why you miss them is key.

Conclusion: Why Do I Miss My Ex? 5 Common Reasons and How to Stop

Missing an ex is experienced by people all over the world. There could be many reasons why a person may struggle with missing an ex. None are right or wrong; different people grieve and heal in different ways. Various coping techniques and forms of support exist – you may need to try out a few to find out what works best for you, given your situation and your preferences. Each person’s situation is unique. A professional therapist can help you to get to the root of why you may be struggling with missing an ex, and explore some ways in which you may cope better.

Takeaway

Missing an ex can result in unprocessed feelings such as sadness and loneliness. Common reasons you may miss your ex include grief, losing a part of your identity with the break-up, lack of closure, and self-imposed expectations.

To move on from your ex or to consider whether getting back together with your ex is a good idea, you can follow certain strategies such as spending time on things that are meaningful to you (eg journalling) and being kinder to yourself.

If you want to better understand yourself and your feelings on a deeper level, you can seek professional therapy.

Therapy can help you manage your emotions and find closure from your past relationship that may have affected you.

Frequently Asked Questions

There are various reasons why people might miss their exes. Some examples include not having grieved the loss of the relationship, viewing the lost relationship through rose-tinted glasses, losing your identity along with the lost relationship, a lack of closure following the breakup, and having harsh expectations of ourselves.

Yes, it is normal to miss your ex following a breakup. Afterall, you both shared good times together too. Many people seek professional therapy after a breakup to make sense of the loss, and to work on coping better or being more resilient. You do not have to wait for a situation to get worse or “bad enough” before you start trying to make it better. However, if you are feeling overwhelmed and thoughts of suicide have crossed your mind, contact your local suicide crisis hotline for support.

Missing your ex is a common and normal experience. What it means is that you had a connection with someone, and that that connection meant something to you. Missing an ex does not mean that something is “wrong” with you.

The grieving process may look different for each person. Common emotions associated with grief include sadness and anger. There is no fixed timeline on how long you will miss your ex for. Also note that you might feel better on some days, and you might not feel as good on other days – this is all part of the healing process.

It is normal to miss your ex. However, if missing your ex is putting a strain on your current relationship or is affecting your life significantly, you may wish to speak to a professional therapist to process your feelings. Couples therapy is another common option.

Many couples do get back together after a break up. What is important here is awareness of your own thoughts and feelings. What exactly did you miss – your ex, or companionship? What made you decide to get back together with your ex? What were some of the reasons that contributed to the breakup in the first place? Are those reasons still relevant, or have they been addressed?

Different people cope in different ways. It may take some time to find something that works for you. Seeing a professional therapist can help with this process. Some of the things you can do when you miss your ex include processing your feelings, adopting a more holistic and realistic perspective of the lost relationship, focusing your time and energy on things that you find meaningful, noticing what is and is not within your control and practising acceptance for the things that are not within your control, as well as being kinder to yourself.

It might be difficult, if not near impossible, to forget a person entirely, especially when you have had a close bond with them at some point.

Some people may find it beneficial to cut communication lines with their ex, unfollow their ex on social media, or get rid of things that remind them of their ex.

Yet, even as one moves on from their ex, reminders of one’s ex may occasionally pop up – some of which are not easy to rid oneself of – such as, mutual friends, places, and even calendar dates (eg anniversaries). Avoiding all such reminders of your ex may not be realistic or practical. What matters more is how you respond to these reminders, and the degree to which it impacts your current life. You should also consider therapy or counselling.

Why do I miss my ex so much? What causes people to miss their exes?

There are various reasons why people might miss their exes. Some examples include not having grieved the loss of the relationship, viewing the lost relationship through rose-tinted glasses, losing your identity along with the lost relationship, a lack of closure following the breakup, and having harsh expectations of ourselves.

Is it normal if I miss my ex? (eg I miss my ex who dumped me, I miss my ex physically, I miss my ex girlfriend, I miss my ex boyfriend, I still miss my ex, I miss my ex so much, I miss my ex husband, I miss my ex wife.)

Yes, it is normal to miss your ex following a breakup. Afterall, you both shared good times together too. Many people seek professional therapy after a breakup to make sense of the loss, and to work on coping better or being more resilient. You do not have to wait for a situation to get worse or “bad enough” before you start trying to make it better. However, if you are feeling overwhelmed and thoughts of suicide have crossed your mind, contact your local suicide crisis hotline for support.

What does it mean if you still miss your ex?

Missing your ex is a common and normal experience. What it means is that you had a connection with someone, and that that connection meant something to you. Missing an ex does not mean that something is “wrong” with you.

When will I stop missing my ex? How long will you miss your ex for? (eg I miss my ex after 2 years, I miss my ex years later.)

The grieving process may look different for each person. Common emotions associated with grief include sadness and anger. There is no fixed timeline on how long you will miss your ex for. Also note that you might feel better on some days, and you might not feel as good on other days – this is all part of the healing process.

Is it normal to miss your ex when in a new relationship?

It is normal to miss your ex. However, if missing your ex is putting a strain on your current relationship or is affecting your life significantly, you may wish to speak to a professional therapist to process your feelings. Couples therapy is another common option.

I miss my ex so bad but I found out a way to get back together!

Many couples do get back together after a break up. What is important here is awareness of your own thoughts and feelings. What exactly did you miss – your ex, or companionship? What made you decide to get back together with your ex? What were some of the reasons that contributed to the breakup in the first place? Are those reasons still relevant, or have they been addressed?

I miss my ex so much - How to stop missing your ex? What to do when you miss your ex? What do you do when you really miss your ex?

Different people cope in different ways. It may take some time to find something that works for you. Seeing a professional therapist can help with this process. Some of the things you can do when you miss your ex include processing your feelings, adopting a more holistic and realistic perspective of the lost relationship, focusing your time and energy on things that you find meaningful, noticing what is and is not within your control and practising acceptance for the things that are not within your control, as well as being kinder to yourself.

How to forget my ex?

It might be difficult, if not near impossible, to forget a person entirely, especially when you have had a close bond with them at some point.

Some people may find it beneficial to cut communication lines with their ex, unfollow their ex on social media, or get rid of things that remind them of their ex.

Yet, even as one moves on from their ex, reminders of one’s ex may occasionally pop up – some of which are not easy to rid oneself of – such as, mutual friends, places, and even calendar dates (eg anniversaries). Avoiding all such reminders of your ex may not be realistic or practical. What matters more is how you respond to these reminders, and the degree to which it impacts your current life. You should also consider therapy or counselling.

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Why Am I So Emotional? 13 Common Reasons and What You Can Do

Posted on by shilpa

85% of people gain emotion regulation skills through therapy

Seek therapy today
  • Updated on 25 June 2024

Have you ever wondered to yourself, “Why am I so emotional?” Emotions are part and parcel of our daily life. Yet, they can feel overwhelming at times. This article covers 13 common reasons why you might be feeling more emotional lately, and some suggestions on what you can do about it.

This Article Contains:

13 Common Reasons Why You Feel More Emotional Lately and What You Can Do

1. Lack of Sleep

This one may seem obvious now, but perhaps less so when we are deprived of sleep. When we lack sleep, we may feel more irritable, grumpy, cranky, or angry. It may even feel as though our emotions are being magnified, or that we have a “shorter fuse” when faced with the challenges of the day. In the long term, insufficient sleep can be detrimental to a person’s physical and mental health.

It is no surprise that getting enough sleep helps us to feel well-rested and awake. Depending on your age group, there are different recommendations on how many hours you should sleep a night. For adults, try to get at least seven hours of sleep each night.

To improve the quality of your sleep, practise good sleep hygiene habits. For instance:

  • have a regular bedtime routine and stick to it;
  • avoid using screens (that includes your laptop, TV, and mobile phone) while in bed;
  • ensure that your bedroom is dark and quiet;
  • adjust the room temperature such that it is cool enough for you; and
  • avoid naps in the daytime.

2. Lack of Exercise

When we exercise, our body releases endorphins. Endorphins are hormones that elicit positive feelings. They help to block pain and relieve stress, thereby improving our wellbeing.

The World Health Organisation (WHO) recommends that adults aged 18 to 64 years should do minimally 150 to 300 minutes of moderate intensity aerobic physical activity per week, or at least 75 to 150 minutes of vigorous intensity aerobic physical activity per week.

3. Caffeine

Most of us are no stranger to that daily cup (or cups) of caffeine. It is nothing new that caffeine increases emotional arousal and helps us to feel more alert and energetic. However, coffee may also exacerbate anxiety or irritability. On the whole, whether caffeine influences our emotions more positively or negatively remains unclear in the literature.

As the effects of caffeine may vary from individual to individual, you may wish to take note of how caffeine might be influencing your emotions. Might your caffeine intake be contributing to why you might be feeling so sensitive emotionally?

Our reliance on caffeine may also leads to increased feelings of irritability.

4. Side Effects of Medications

Medications can have various side effects, some of which may affect your mood. If you are worried about mood changes being a potential side effect of the medication you are taking, discuss it with your medical doctor.

5. Hormonal Reasons

There are various conditions that may affect your hormones, which can in turn affect your mood. These include puberty, thyroid issues, premenstrual syndrome or PMS, pregnancy, and menopause. Sometimes, being aware of the conditions that might be affecting our mood can in itself be helpful.

6. Underlying Mental Health Conditions

Emotional changes may also be a symptom of an underlying mental health condition, such as a mood disorder, an anxiety disorder, or a personality disorder. It is important to note that diagnosis of mental health conditions should only be made by a qualified professional such as a psychiatrist, clinical psychologist or take counselling service. If you have concerns regarding possible mental health conditions, seek medical help.

Key Facts

According to recent research, nearly 970 million people around the world live with a mental disorder. Among them, the most common conditions people struggle with are anxiety and depressive disorders.

In specific, 301 million people struggle with some type of anxiety disorder. Among this population, 58 million are children and adolescents.

Similarly, 280 million people struggle with depression, where 23 million of them are children and adolescents.

Most mental health disorders can affect the way we experience, express, and manage our emotions. Common symptoms of these conditions include irritability, anger, frustration, low moods, sadness and emptiness.

Fortunately, most mental health conditions can be managed through therapy. In fact, between 70% and 90% of people living with depression can effectively manage their symptoms through talk therapy.

7. Stress

Have you ever looked back on hindsight at your reaction to an event and thought to yourself, “Why was I so emotional about that?” Perhaps you noticed that you were more emotional than you had expected to be, or more emotional than you would usually have been in such a situation, which caught you by surprise. Stress can intensify our emotions.

You can start by asking yourself where the stress is coming from. What is stressing you out? Have there been other stressors in your life lately? What else could be affecting you, that you might not have realised? Have you been getting enough rest, good quality sleep and eating a well-balanced diet, for instance? Checking in with our loved ones who know us well may also provide us with insightful information.

8. Burnout

When a person goes through burnout, it can affect them physically and mentally. They may feel detached and empty, and experience exhaustion and denial. They may also withdraw from others socially and neglect their own needs.

If a person is burnt out, it can be hard for them to realise or acknowledge that they are experiencing burnout. This is where building up our awareness of our emotions as well as how we manage them can be helpful. We can also then explore different ways to regulate our emotions better.

85% of people gain emotion regulation skills through therapy

Seek therapy today

9. Trauma

Trauma is an emotional and/or physical response to an intensely stressful event. It can arise from events such as the loss of a loved one, an attack on one’s person, or accidents.

Trauma may also be prolonged, such as when a person is a victim of interpersonal abuse over an extended time. Emotional symptoms of trauma may include shock, disbelief, guilt, shame, fear, anger, irritability, confusion, sadness, or numbness. This might contribute to why a person might be feeling emotional all the time. Different people respond to trauma differently.

The aim of grounding techniques is to help you to “come back to” and connect with the present moment. Some things that you can do are deep breathing exercises, feeling the physical connection between your feet and the ground or floor, noticing the sights, sounds, and scents around you, and moving your body or exercising. Keep in mind that a grounding technique that works for one person may not work for another. You may need to try out and practise a few different techniques to see what works best for you.

10. Grief and Loss

Grief is our response to loss. Societal norms may have us think that grief is what happens when a loved one passes away. While that is true, grief can also occur when we face any type of loss; not just death. Examples of losses include the loss of one’s childhood home, the loss of a friendship or romantic relationship, the loss of a pet, the loss of good health, the loss of a treasured possession, the loss of a job or financial security, and so on. Grief may also be hidden, such as when a person loses a secret relationship.

Grief can affect our emotions in many ways. When we encounter a loss, we may experience shock, disbelief, sadness, anger, bitterness, numbness, loneliness, or guilt, among others. Many people seek therapy after a loss to work on coping better and healing. There can also be feelings of helplessness or hopelessness. If you or someone you know feels overwhelmed and has had thoughts of suicide, call your local crisis hotline for immediate support.

Feeling emotional from time to time is not a bad thing. Different people express their emotions differently.

11. Relationship Difficulties

At some point, you may have wondered why you might have been so emotional in a relationship. Romantic relationships take us through all kinds of emotional highs and lows. While disagreements in a relationship are normal, they can sometimes make us feel frustrated, baffled, annoyed, and alone. If these emotions remain unaddressed or if we bottle these emotions up, tension may build over time, making it harder for us to cope.

If similar issues constantly surface between your partner and yourself, couples counselling is a good place to start. Couples counselling can help you to gain insight into the dynamics of your relationship, address recurring causes of conflict, communicate openly, reconnect with your partner, and gain a more in-depth understanding of your partner’s emotional needs.

When a breakup happens, a person may experience many emotions at the same time. There may be shock, relief, confusion, regret, longing, or a fear of being alone, to name a few. Of course, each individual’s experience may differ. Some might also struggle emotionally with missing their ex.

On the other hand, an abusive relationship is a different thing altogether. While signs of physical abuse are more commonly known and easier to spot, there are many other types of abuse that can affect our emotions or our sense of self. Examples include financial abuse, sexual abuse, and emotional or mental abuse. Being at the receiving end of abuse can be a very scary and isolating experience, and reaching out for help takes immense courage. If you are a victim of abuse, seek help from a social worker or your local organisation that specialises in working with survivors of abuse.

12. Family Difficulties

Difficult emotions arising from family challenges can be hard to pinpoint, as there might be a large mix of feelings involved, and potentially over a long time. What can be helpful here is building up your self-awareness. Who tends to affect you more when it comes to family? How do they affect you? Is there a time period where you tend to be more emotionally affected, or is it linked to something that they say or do? How do you normally respond when emotionally affected? Ideally, how would you like to respond to them?

13. Financial Difficulties

Having financial difficulties such as being in debt can be extremely stressful. A person may experience shock, distress, anxiety about the future, insomnia, hopelessness, helplessness, powerlessness, and frustration, among others. Finding out more about the resources in your community or seeing a social worker can often be a good place to start.

Conclusion: Why Am I So Emotional? Common Reasons and What You Can Do

At one point or another, we have probably asked ourselves, “Why am I so emotional?” There are various possible reasons why a person may be feeling more emotional lately, than they normally would. These reasons may be external factors linked to our situation, or they may be internal factors relating to our physical or mental health. Knowing the possible reasons that make us feel more emotional puts us in a better position to choose how to cope with our emotions. Ultimately, emotions are a very normal part of life, and it is never too early (or too late) to reach out for support.

When to Seek Help

There are many different ways to seek support when you feel more emotional than usual. Examples of informal support include confiding in close friends or family members, or anyone else in your social network. On the other hand, formal support involves seeing a professional such as a general practitioner, psychiatrist,  a Therapist (ie a psychologist or professional counsellor), social worker, and so on.

People sometimes compare their situation with that of others, and mistakenly believe that their own situation does not deserve help or support, despite it affecting them greatly. As a result, they might refrain from seeking support, or wait for the problem to worsen until it is “major enough” to warrant support. The reality is that no one should have to struggle alone.

People seek professional support for all sorts of reasons. It is never too early to seek help. Working on emotional issues is as normal and healthy as working out one’s body in the gym. You do not need to wait for a situation to become worse before you try and start making it better. If you are considering therapy for the first time, online counselling in Singapore or in any other country may be a convenient way to try this.

Takeaway

Being emotional is a natural trait that varies among individuals and can be influenced by genetics, environment, and personal experiences.

Understanding and accepting your emotional sensitivity can lead to better self-awareness and improved emotional regulation skills.

Seeking support from a professional Therapist can help you identify, label, express, and manage your emotions effectively. Remember that your issues do not have to be grave for you to seek help. Therapy can help you even if you feel like you need some clarity on your emotions or that you would benefit from professional insight.

Frequently Asked Questions

There could be many possibilities as to why you might be feeling more emotional. Some examples include lack of sleep, insufficient exercise, excessive caffeine, side effects of medications, hormonal changes, possible mental health conditions, stress, burnout, trauma, grief and loss, relationship challenges, family issues, and financial difficulties.

Each person is different. Some of us may be more expressive in general, and some less so. People sometimes assume that they are the only ones struggling emotionally, which can feel very isolating. At the same time, you never know what someone else might be going through, that they are not necessarily stating openly. Different people may choose to share (or not share) different aspects of their life with others. Silence does not necessarily equate to a lack of emotions.

 

Emotions are normal; we all have them. However, if you feel that you have been

There are many ways to manage your emotions. Some examples include getting enough sleep and exercise, monitoring the effects of your caffeine intake, discussing any potential side effects of medications with your doctor, building up your awareness of your stressors, and grounding techniques. It may take some trial and error before finding out what works best for you.

You may also seek informal support from your loved ones, or formal support from a professional such as a general practitioner, psychiatrist, clinical psychologist, professional counsellor, or social worker.

One person’s definition of “very emotional” may differ from that of another. What matters more is how much it interferes with your daily life. If being emotional makes it hard for you to cope with your daily life, you may wish to seek external support to help you better manage them.

 

Instead of saying, “stop crying”, you may offer a listening ear. Allow them to air their thoughts and feelings without interrupting them. It can be helpful to imagine what you would feel if you were in their shoes. You may also wish to take note of these four common listening mistakes. If additional support is needed, you can bridge the gap by referring them to formal support such as a professional therapist, social worker, school counsellors, or any relevant organisation.

Crying is normal and it is typically triggered by strong emotions such as joy, sadness, anger, surprise. It can also be cathartic. However, excessive crying may a cause for concern. If you are not sure why you are crying, or are crying to the extent that it interferes with your daily activities, you may wish to raise it up with your general practitioner, who will assess you and make the necessary referrals, if any.

Emotional overload occurs when you experience more emotions than you can process, and coping becomes difficult. Take note that feelings are not right or wrong; all feelings are valid. Feelings are merely your body’s way of trying to tell you something. Instead of avoiding your feelings (they will still be there), try tuning in to your feelings to gain insight into your situation, and learn more about yourself.

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